“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take,” I whisper to myself as I hit send on that sixth unanswered text
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Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breastmilk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.
There’s a bag of Hersey’s chocolate in the kitchen.
I’ve been smothering myself with kisses.
Robocop seems pretty cocky for a guy that can’t swim.
If you yell mosquito you can slap anyone in the face
Olive Garden said “when you’re here, you’re family” so I always bring a family therapist, a lawyer, a young priest, and an old priest with me, in case they are anything like mine.
I hated Sex Ed at school. Or ‘Sexy Edward’, to give him his full name.
“You’re great in bed.”
— me, talking to my breakfast
Hi, famous people getting DUIs. You know you can probably afford a driver, right? Just a thought.
One of Jesus’ most impressive accomplishments was being 33 years old and still having 12 really close friends.
(invention of the crib)
put that baby in jail
I may not know much about a lot of things, but this fact I’m sure of:
A smoke detector battery will never go dead during the day.
Sometimes when I get a compliment I stop, moonwalk out of the room and yell “Thank You “just to leave them hanging.
People keep wishing January was over like the worst month of the year isn’t coming up next. Thats like wishing someone would stop arguing with you and just punch you in the face.
me: a weirdo broke into my house
cop: are you positive it was a weirdo
me: well they took my bag of doll heads so you tell me
Piñatas give kids unrealistic expectations of how much candy spills out of a donkey when you split one open
I’m sorry I seasoned you while you were taking a nap.
so disappointed after seeing this photo & realizing that’s a third llama in the back & not the arm of the right llama ringing a little bell
Peter Pan is my favorite story about how running away from all your problems will allow you to remain youthful and to possibly fly someday
in high school, my mom once asked where i was going from a few rooms over while i was heading out the door.
i yelled “to do drugs!” and she yelled back “haha good one have fun!”
then i left to go do drugs
Tired this morning me would like to have a word with stayed up too late last night me.
Setting my phone on do not disturb because I’m about to eat nachos and want zero interruptions.
[unaware grindr isn’t an app for skateboarders] I’d love to meet at the park
I won $2 on the lottery last night so please, hold my calls.
ME: I can’t come in to work. My grandma died
BOSS: your grandma has died 4 times this year
ME: yeah she’s a cat
Rise and shine, people. It’ll be dark again in about an hour.
STUDENT: Is there anything I can do to get my grade up?
TEACHER: {biting lip} There may be one thing.
ME: {sitting on couch mouthful of popcorn} Make him retake the class!
[CAVE]
BABY DRAGON: Dad, I hate trolls! They are disgusting, evil creatures!
DAD DRAGON: Just push them aside and eat your vegetables son.
My grandma used to read me the Bible before bed and then switched to a book about the Wright Brothers without telling me, so I thought airplanes were in the Bible til I was like, 15.
just checked my bank account and all I can say is who wants foot pics