Interviewer: Biggest weakness?
Me: The delusions
Interviewer: Like what?
Me: Sometimes I think I’m being interviewed
Bus driver: where are your pants?
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Delightful if true: booby trap.
Friend from college: Hey! You remember that time…
Me: No
freezing my eggs so i can chuck em at his house later
*Last week*
Me: Man I wish COVID 19 wasn’t trending anymore*Monkey’s paw finger curls up*
“I hope to find you well.”
I’m sure I had one dug somewhere on my vast estate.
Tommy Lee Jones always looks like his son just told him he wants to ride unicycles professionally.
Her: *whispering seductively in my ear* Tell me what you want baby.
Me: *whispering back* I was thinking maybe Thai food but up to you.
There is a mosquito that has been trailing me for two days. I’ve swatted and clapped but it has proven to be the stronger of us both. It’s time to give in to my place on the food chain
Dog: I don’t get it
Me: What don’t you get?
Dog: Just go over it again
Me: This is MY food and that is YOUR food
Dog: *tilts head* What?
Please help me bring my daughter and her boyfriend home safe!
Natalie Anderson and Enmanuel Rodriguez have been missing since 6pm Monday evening. This is the last time I spoke to them. They took their dog, Sky camping and planned to return on Wednesday. When we spoke they’d
Doctor’s office: “Can you fax us your information?”
Me: “Let me get a rock and chisel to write down your fax number.”
Finding a hair in food that you’ve just prepared at home is certainly disconcerting when you’re bald.
“I’m doing good, how are you?”
-Me lying out of my lying liar hole
I thought of a benefit to talking on the phone with someone: if a murder happens and you’re a suspect, you have an alibi.
My mom bought me a bottle of whiskey as a Xmas gift…
She seemed a little upset that I said she should’ve mailed it ahead of her visit.
Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.
[Christmas morning]
Kids: [all screaming while opening their presents]
Make bowling your first date. If he rents small shoes and jams his fingers in the wrong holes don’t bother with a second.
I personally endorse our president going to war with North Korea. Not our military of course, just the president.
oh to be a cat surrounded by potatoes taking a nap using a carrot as a pillow
Took the kids to the park so wifey could get a break.
5, loudly, as soon as he steps inside: Hmmmm, it’s still a mess in here!
Me: *locking him inside and walking away* You’re on your own now buddy!
I can almost always tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs!
It’s been a horrible day. This morning my ex got ran over by a fed ex truck. Then I lost my job at fed ex.
Sure, I miss the 80s. You know who really misses the 80s? Serial killers. No cameras, no developed forensics, no social media…
Dinner guests: (shifting uncomfortably in their seats)
#OddReasonsToCallInSick
I have to give my cat a bath
Started making anti-inspirational greeting cards.
boss: u should’ve been here at 9
me: why what happened at 9
first time in subway and the worker took a picture of my order 😭😭 am I doing this wrong
[Day 5]
GOD: What do you think?
ANGEL: You’re tired. Why don’t we try making the birds tomorrow.
😅🤣😂