car salesman: this is the car for you
me: but that’s a barrel about to go over Niagara falls
car salesman: take that baby for a spin
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Imagine you know a guy named Gary, & Gary calls his car the Garymobile & insists that you do, too. What I’m saying is Batman is a douche
Back in college, I knew sisters named Summer and Autumn. Instead of saying hello to them, I would say “seasons greetings!”
They didn’t like me very much.
I like making detailed sketches of animals but when it comes to snakes I draw a line
The History Channel; because where else are you going to learn about how aliens were instrumental in the development of humanity?
Never understood the desperation behind placing ur order in English at KFC/McD. Heard a guy practicing his order while sanding in the queue.
If I saw an elephant in the room, that’s ALL I’d be talking about.
You can change your cat’s name every day. They don’t care.
No thanks Facebook Live, if I wanted to see people doing stupid things in real time I’d just go visit my family.
That awkward moment when your girlfriend is looking up for a noodles recipe on your computer and opens a file called “Asian.”
my grandpa: i used to take 50 cents to the store & come back with a new pair of shoes but u can’t do that today
me: inflation, right?
my grandpa: security cameras
ME: [introducing my brother’s daughter whose name I’ve forgotten]
This is niece.
8yo Me: *sneaks candy*
14yo Me: *sneaks cigarettes*
18yo Me: *sneaks alcohol*
43yo Me: *sneaks candy*Being an adult is stupid.
thank god 50 shades of grey got the R rating they wanted because what kid under 18 wouldn’t want to watch 50 shades of grey with a parent
When you’re going through boxes and cabinets of dishes, 5 curious cats jumping in and out of everything is a rare treat.
I don’t need a security alarm because I leave all my shoes in a pile inside the front door.
If the conversation gets too serious take your pants off.
I was going to sign this permission slip to let my daughter watch The Grinch at school but I haven’t heard back from North Korea yet.
scenes of unspeakable carnage
Guy: you’ve been a bad girl.
Girl: yes baby, punish me.
Guy: OK. *burns all her shoes*.
Not to brag but I’m never late for work without a good reason. For example this week my boss is on vacation…
[at parent-teacher night]
Teacher:*looking at my coffee tumbler*
I see you’re a coffee enthusiast, tooMe: Coffee? Oh…yeah, coffee*wink*
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark!🎶
“Don’t put all your eggs … in there”.
Had a nightmare then couldn’t go back to sleep so I got up and ate the cheesecake or at least I hope that’s what it was.
[playing pictionary]
Her: A circle..a ring…a diamond ring…a diamond engagement ring…OMG YES I’LL MARRY YOU!
Him: Its a door knocker.
“let’s run away together” babe no we have dishes to do
Summer is here! You know how I know? Cause it’s kinda hot outside. And because my panties have little watermelons on them.
Spelling bees. Why aren’t other competitions called ‘bees’? The Football Bee. The Great Cooking Bee. The Presidential Bee. Send.
Sorry I’m late, I was waiving my hands at a paper towel dispenser that turned out to not be automatic.
Old people always be like “wow you’ve put on some weight since I last saw you” in front of everybody.