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Modern Way to Name Babies:
1. Pick 2-3 names
2. Chop each
3. Blend together
4. Mix in the letter Y
5. Allow time for mixture to settleCongratulations on your child McKimberlynn.
A Victoria’s Secret commercial will always come on when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Doritos.
“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:
Writing “Omg you guys are still friends after what she said about you???” on every group photo of girls I see on Instagram
[neighborhood meeting]
Me: This is an outrage!
Neighbor: Exactly! The city’s plan to–
Me: Nothing but powdered creamer for the coffee? I’m out of here.
If you don’t cut the cake in pieces and just eat the whole thing, then you only had one piece, right???
[finally rich enough to go to a tailor]
“How can I help you sir?”
One clothes please!
Paralegal activity. #BoringHorrorMovies
[caught getting last piece of pie out of fridge]
And I would have gotten away with it too, if it wasn’t for that meddling open door beep!
captcha starting to give us tasks like we’re in a saw movie or something.
Sometimes I think I’m the only Brit trying to use up all this spice we stole
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that didn’t let it’s daughter go to prom
Pringles, it’s time to widen the can. Your target demographic isn’t thin-wristed.
A few years back a guy in law school asked me how much for a foot massage and being the idiot I am, thought he was asking how much I paid for reflexology so I said “I pay $50 plus a tip but my guy is booked for the next 3 months” and he didn’t talk to me again until 2L year
*I come home with an empty stroller*
WIFE: OMG, where’s the baby?
ME: …so there was a Dad Joke Battle
WIFE:
ME: I CAN WIN THE BABY BACK
Google: and you want to represent us?
Me: yes, I am very qualified
Google: our file says you searched “how to pretend to be a lawyer” from the waiting room
Me: overruled
Must. Not. Reply. To. That. Rhetorical. Question, Ahhh.
Ok, the temptation passed. You’re safe.
“I take pride in my job. I transport the worlds most precious cargo”
-oh, u drive a school bus?
“LMAO Hell no! I’m a drug smuggler u nerd”
director: ok, hit the lights
me: *slaps a lamp*
director: no i meant kill the lights
me: *pulls out a gun*
I’ll call it a smartphone the day I yell “where’s my smartphone?” And it yells
” Down here in the couch cushions”
when you need to shoot exactly four evenly-spaced dudes
listening to jazz: do any of them know what the other ones are playing
Hungover? Hydrate. Depressed? Hydrate. Want to make a good first impression on others? Hydrate.
They say the human body is 60% water, but after extensive observation of my husband and son, I’d like to submit a revision to the data. Those two are at least 50% wind.
Let’s play a game.
What item did my almost 3yo bring into our bed.
A: A teddy bear
B: A blanket
C: A @$!&*’n toilet brush
the “don’t confuse your google search with my medical degree” thing is especially funny to me bc i’ve seen my doctors google my symptoms in appointments
[having sex]
me: *finishing first* I win again!
wife: you really don’t
Shah Jahan built the Taj Mahal as a tribute to his wife but sure, the book shelf looks great.
Putting on a bra is like trying to wrestle two pigs into a potato sack.
I enjoy quaint, old-fashioned customs like being nice to people.