If you’re asking me to choose sides, I’ll always choose potato salad.
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“Anybody got any change?”
My body tenses as I whisper to my little zippered coin purse, “It’s go time.”
Birds shit on us because we tweet better.
I’m not making a decision on who to vote for until I see the latest results from dogshit7’s Twitter poll. It’s important to have all the facts.
I believe this to be the best photograph of a dog ever taken in human history.
The “Skip Ad” countdown on Youtube is more exciting than an Apollo launch.
After many years of cat ownership you really understand cats… until you get a second cat.
I don’t want to be with someone who will finish my sentences. I want to be with someone who will finish the dishes.
8 digit bank passcode is protecting my 3 digit bank balance 😂
Got into loads of trouble at work for making “racist noises”. I just accepted the slap on the wrist because it was easier explaining that I was pretending to be the dad from Pingu.
You don’t know laziness until you rob a bank & choose to wait for the amount you stole to be announced on news rather than count it yourself
Therapist: It’s all “me me me”. Try to think of others instead
Me: I’ll try[Later]
Me *to murderer* no PLEASE don’t kill uh Paul Rudd
Whoever said “time heals all wounds” deserves a swift kick in the teeth.
My three favorite things are eating my wife and not using punctuation
This lady didn’t know how to use the gas pump, so I winked at her and whispered “nobody does” while pouring gas into my jacket pocket.
friend: want to go swimming?
me: *eating biscuits and gravy* no
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
Me: Everyone should follow their true calling in life.
Husband: Shopping at Target isn’t a calling.
got kicked out of a morgue for promoting body positivity
parents, bringing their problem child to summer camp
21st century kid on Santa’s lap-“Yo santa, some more insta followers would be real dope for Christmas. Thanks bruh bruh”
What part of watching dogs on skateboard makes YouTube ads think I’m in any position to buy the brand new Lexus?
Google:
“Never run away from a black bear or approach him. Make yourself look as big as possible.”Me:
*hands bear a magnifying glass*
*at swingers club*
me: so how does this work? do we both go at the same time or do I push you first?
Think you’re smart? Try explaining daylight savings time to a kid.
Friends, I say this to you with tongue firmly in cheek – don’t ever put super glue in your mouth.
*5.30 a.m.*
6: Mom, I’ve decided to make breakfast for everyone.
Me *groggily*: Oh, that’s sweet.
6: How many people live in our neighborhood?
Me: GO BACK TO BED!
Judge: I find you guilty of all charges
Neutron: This is some bullshit
I think it’s time I find myself a new inspiration, asking myself “what would Batman do?” gets me in too much trouble
Apparently I walked 2700 steps yesterday.
Don’t you get like 2000 just for waking up?