Why do they call it a “shit-eating grin”? I don’t think I’d be smiling if I was eating shit.
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Ice Bucket Challenge Champion since 1945 ☺️
[standing in front of Stonehenge]: is this all it does
Why do people named Deborah go by “Deb” and never “bruh”
When a ladybug is orange. Must be laundry day.
“we’re broke? how is that possible?”
(extremely high pitched voice)
no idea
“did you-”
*opens closet & hundreds of helium tanks fall out*
I’m not interested in your cat unless it’s on its 8th life and about to do something incredibly stupid.
I just got back from a father and son fishing trip. I caught four fathers and nine sons.
I wish I’d gotten my affairs in order before I bit into this hot pepper.
20s: Sure, I’ll take the floor.
30s: The floor? No. But I’ll sleep on the couch.
40s: What thread count are your sheets?
Since the day he was born, I always expected my kid to grow up to be smarter, funnier, and more successful than me.
I just didn’t expect him to do this by age 6.
Whoa whoa whoa, I thought that was OUR thing!
-me to my favorite cashier when she smiles at other customers
UK rappers be like “I’ve got a posh flat and my bird is very comely, I own more motors than the marchioness of cholmondeley”
Breaking news:
I don’t want to kill mice but I know they have to go so the cat takes care of it. When she goes down to the basement I’m like a mafia wife. She’s doing what has to be done and I don’t want to know about it.
[comedy club]
Worm: And what’s the deal with dandelion stems? Right? Right?!
Other worms: *silence*
Early bird: *cracking up*
If you leave me a voice mail that asks me to call you back at my convenience you have no one to blame but yourself.
It’s really funny that if you drown someone in a toilet in Hitman the authorities chalk it up to being an accidental death
Working on microwave salmon popcorn for people to use on their last day at a job.
My mom is going through home reorganizing and to avoid confrontational conflict, my dad is leavings notes voicing his opinion
He also looks really rough for a 4 year old
Me: Wouldn’t it be funny if a hawk swooped down and grabbed one of the kids?
Him: You need help.
Local Thai place no longer suffering fools
[traffic court]
Your honor, I’m here to dispute 4 of my 5 tickets
JUDGE: Repeat infractions?
Ok, I’m here to dispute ⁴/₅ of my tickets
I’m only dating bad texters from here on out.
Who knew life could be so quiet and….peaceful.
When someone yells “Fire!” at my house, I’ll be the first to leap from the toilet and fall flat on my face because my legs fell asleep
[Me visiting US for the first time]
Friend: This is a dollar store
Me: Why’s it called that?
Friend: Cos everything costs a dollar
Me: How’s about this candy bar?
Friend: Duh, it’s a dollar
Me: Cool. OK, I’ll buy this pack of pens
Assistant: That’s $1.08
To ensure my wife misses me while I’m away, I changed her text notification to the sound of a door creaking open & message her at midnight.
My aunt said she was thankful for the best family in the world and I said “when are they coming?” and it MURDERED.
There’s a line in 30 rock where Kenneth mentions that the mayor of his hometown is a female horse and I just today realized a female horse is called a mare. She’s the mare of the town.
The company CEO gives a few words of personal appreciation each year at the holiday party.
I got, “Oh, you’re still here?”