Been noticing lots of dogs in this part of the country that look just like my old dog
He’s a ladies man
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Him: Do you want to watch a little TV?
Me: No. I want you to buy me a big one.
Hairstylist: so one of your sisters knows how to knit, crochet, and sew and the other one is an amazing cook/baker. What do you know how to do?
Me: Buy stuff
girl at restaurant: “Are you Tony Hawk?” me: “Yes.” her: “Why?” I had no idea how to answer.
The lady behind me in the drive-thru honked impatiently so i paid for her order. When she pulled up to the 1st window to pay, her expression was priceless. Then I picked up both orders at the 2nd window and drove away
[getting murdered]
“Listen, I make a badass grilled cheese if this can wait?”
Sucks when good bands have dumb names.
“What are you listening to?”
“It’s Made Out of Babies, they’re really great.”
“…”
I want a lady in the streets and a billion dollars
There’s a fly in the den so my cat is reenacting the Matrix
Sometimes at the gym I’ll struggle and make all kinds of awkward grunting sounds, but eventually I’ll get my shorts on.
I swear i’m surrounded by idiots… no one even understood me when i said “to all intense and porpoises.”
That sure is a big fat burrito you got there, be a shame if someone snapped a pic just as you were about take a bite then photoshopped a baby over it.
Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you’ll save from not having a social life.
Am I the most attractive woman out there ? Of course not. But do I have a good personality ? Well, no. But do I wake up every day and try to be the best person that I can be ? Also no.
How you conduct yourself when using plastic wrap is the real you
you: *finger guns*
me: *collapses*
you: *thinking im dead, lowers your finger guns*
me: *quickly rolls on my side, points my finger guns at you*
you: *freezes*
me: *unbuttons my shirt to reveal a finger-proof vest*
you: *starts to raise your finger guns
me: *finger guns*
Should I call tech support or pray or what
the 3 types of Beach Boys songs are “look, a pretty lady!” “boats are cool” and “I will die alone”
I said it out loud and I can’t stop giggling lmao
Mobster: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Lobster: that’s not the threat you think it is, Tony
Do not apologize for your dog coming up to me because this is exactly what I wanted
Meteorologist: FINALLY getting some cooler weather around here!
Me: Phew just in time for me to move my stepson to college on Monday.
Meteorologist: Except for Monday which will be 187 degrees.
I wish I was born in a year ending in zero so it’d be easier to remember how old I am. Thanks for following.
the funniest thing i’ve ever said was on april 11th 2009 to my dad’s cat and no one else was around to hear it. a car horn honked and he hopped off my bed and ran downstairs and i said “oh shit is your ride here” and laughed alone to myself for like five minutes straight
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
“I just read last year 4,153,237 people got married. I don’t want to start any trouble, but shouldn’t that be an even number?”
had a weird insomnia so i put on a movie (Interstellar). i loved it. it made me cry twice and gave me the chills once but it absolutely didn’t help me sleep
#AmITheOnlyOneWhoEnjoys going to “grodge” sales ?
Science says 99% of dust in your home is flakes of human skin but in my home it’s mostly microscopic potato chip crumbs.
son: Why do people tell jokes?
me: To make other people laugh
son: So why do you tell jokes?
Look what the cat dragged in!
*freaks out remembering I don’t have a cat and house was built on top of a pet cemetery*