*finally gets comfortable with you*
*starts whispering in your ear*
“oooo baby I can recite all my phobias in alpha order”
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Just want to be bitten by a spider without the obligation of becoming a superhero.
Little Orphan Annie’s song “The Sun Will Come Out Tomorrow” is a little insensitive to the population of Norway.
“racially charged” makes it sound like y’all out here buying triple K batteries
My daughter was giving me major attitude so I asked her if she’s seen Rapunzel and she said yes and I said keep it up and you’ll be locked in your room like that tower until your hair grows that long.
I have a great poker face because I have no idea what’s going on.
I can usually tell how productive I’ve been at work, by the battery life of my phone.
Jon Hamm, 50: Looks like a million bucks
Me, 45: Looks like a million hams
[cooking class]
chef: now you just introduce them to the pan
me: ok … um, this is john scallop
Following Facebook saga of a missing cat. The husband rang his wife to say he’d found it but it was hissing at him and fighting with their other cats. When wife got home the cat he’d found was a different colour, size and sex to the missing cat. He’d kidnapped someone else’s cat.
I only eat vegetarians.
My cat likes to meow at me a lot. I like to meow back at him.
Sometimes when I meow back he stops meowing and I worry that I might have insulted his mum or something
Me: I try not to make snap judgments.
Me (watching someone eat Peeps): You’re disgusting.
Target can refuse you a job, but they can’t stop you from asking the guests in dressing rooms if everything’s fitting ok
#RubbishJokes
My girlfriend told my that she wanted peace and quiet whilst cooking.So I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm.
My cat keeps stealing my earrings off the dresser.
Jokes on her, all the backs are missing. She’ll never be able to wear them.
Starbucks really isn’t that expensive when compared to what Victoria’s Secret charges per cup
Always remember –
If you’re having a conversation with somebody that doesn’t speak English, just talk louder.
JEDI WHO INVENTED LIGHTSABER: ok its a destructive laser sword so maybe we shoudnt wear anythig too flowy
JEDI IN CHARGE OF COSTUMES: …OORR
If you carry a clipboard, put a pen behind your ear, wear a stopwatch around your neck, and, depending on where you are, wear either a lab coat or a reflective safety vest you can pretty much walk right in anywhere you like.
cellmate: how did you get here
me: i took the train
cellmate: no i mean what did you do
me: i just told you
Clock: “You need to get up in 6 hours.”
Me: “No you’re mistaken. First I need to Google the lyrics to that song from 9th grade, and then find the episode with the scene where they played that song on BH 90210.”
“Do you know how fast you were going?”
75 in a 55. I’m sorry officer.
“Get out of the car.”
*Cop cuddles driver*
“Stop doing this. I worry.”
I’m rubber. You’re glue.
I don’t conduct low voltage electricity. You’re great for arts & crafts.
Me: Good morning. Allow me to sprinkle some positivity on this gloomy Monday morning.
HR: You can’t just throw glitter at people.
[white house staff meeting]
Obama: Any questions?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: Spongebob is yellow Joe.
*Biden returns to coloring book*
Be woman enough to admit when you’re wrong. And then make everyone pay.
I wonder if under reasons for divorce Elvis wrote, “A little less conversation, a little more action please”
I hate babies when they are crying. I hate people who love babies & think babies are cute. I hate grown up babies who make more babies.
Whenever my daughter starts a sentence with “I saw this Tik Tok that said…”, I know I’m in for some sound advice
Sometimes passing by a nursing home is the only reminder I need to go buy my kids whatever they want.