YO TWITTER PLEASE PLEASE HELP ME OUT. THIS IS MY DREAM AND WOULD BE BEYOND BLESSED IF YALL CAN HELP A DUDE OUT. RETWEET!!!
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Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t like things as much as I do.
I wonder where the inventor of the drawing board took their failed ideas back to.
You can use the phrase “lickity split” as much as you want at work and they can’t fire you.
Especially if it’s THAT one … 🤣
[A pair of crocs sitting on a riverbank]
Why do you think people hate us so much?
“Idk. I blame the idiots who wear us with socks.”
Husband: Trust is fundamental to marriage.
Me:
Husband:
Me: I’m still not letting you cut my hair.
At some point, you’d think there’d be a governmental inquiry into the excessively high escape rate of Gotham City’s penitentiaries.
A Free Range Chicken is easy to spot due to it’s backpack & rugged little hiking boots
“You run like you’re making fun of running.” -my brother
Him: I love birds.
Me: [trying to impress]
*smacks face into nearest window*
My pal said, “Cheer up, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.
*sees cars lined up outside church*
wife: Is that a funeral or a wedding?
me: What’s the difference?
I act like I’m ok, but really this hummus is a bit spicier than I anticipated.
A burrito.. in a bowl? Sure that sounds great! And while you’re at it, why don’t you rip the blankets off me while I sleep, u piece of shit
GOLFER: what r u thinkin
ME (caddying): honestly sometimes i wake up & am mad that im not dead
GOLFER: jesus. i meant what club should i use
Them: you haven’t been to the gym in a while
Me: I had a cold
Them: it’s been 7 months
Me: I had a lot of colds
How I begin all my work emails: I hope you’re doing okay during this very difficult time of being away from me.
♫ Is this the real life?
Are you a manatee?
Let’s beat up french fries
I should lay off the LSD ♫
Runners who don’t win the race suffer defeet.
My daughters built this elaborate house setup for their dolls, so I went over and threw a bunch of trash in each room to make it more realistic.
me, after scolding my kids: *walking away*
son: ALEXA, play the Imperial March
Me: Wanna hear a joke?
Dog: sure
Me: Knock knock
*dog goes crazy barking at the door*
My son eating a radish for the first time, “It tastes like angry celery. Just why.”
Imagine me riding a bike.
Wrong.
There’s no seat.
Just grow your own
DATING TIP: Any time someone is hot and you’re too scared to approach them, remind yourself that they’ve probably had diarrhea at some point
And I spent so many nights
Growing hairier with mould
And now I’m old,
Past the date I should be sold
Took the man to get his hearing aids fixed today. Still deciding if it was a smart move. Don’t touch my radio.
This is my emotional support yacht 🎀
[INT. STARBUCKS – DAY]
Me: Theres a large rat in the bathroom
Barista: ?
Me: A large rat
Barista: ?
Me: THERES A VENTI RAT IN THE BATHROOM