Wasn’t trying to push all your buttons, but in my defense I was looking for mute.
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There’s a police officer trying to get me to roll down my window.
I’m calling the cops.
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
The person who figures out how to marry someone without marrying their family too, will win the Nobel Peace Prize
*Sends carrier pigeon back*
“I have a suitor.”
84% of Canadians think the preparations for the American blizzard are “cute”
thank god the sign was there
Email subject line: “Your invited.” Thanks, I’ll bring an apostrophe and an e.
Doctor: Exactly how long have you been incontinent
Me: *pooping my pants* I’ve actually never left North America doc
The Queen is crazy if she thinks I’m going to wait until February
Ghosts will turn lights on and off, open and close doors, move objects, but never once have they ever turned on a treadmill and I think that’s very telling.
Me: hey squirrel, dnt steal d pigeon’s food, the eggs are about to hatch
S: u stole a cake frm ur roomate
Me:
Me: here, take the eggs too
Canadian Thanksgiving isn’t the same day as Thanksgiving in the US because Canadians already put gravy on everything every day.
Inuits have 50 words for snow. Brits have 50 things named pudding
my cat frankie loves this weird ugly chair that came with my apartment. it’s gotta be one of his top 3 favorite spots to chill or sleep and probably like every third time i walk in and find him there i go “chairman of the board over here” but he never laughs
When you have kids, finding a marker lid in your house is like finding a pin without the grenade attached.
“I decided I wanted to be a ninja so I googled “Ninja School”, followed the link and the page could not be found. Well played, Ninja School”
Choose a job that you love, and your boss will never have to work a day in their life.
I’m wearing black with navy blue today. Fight me. Any bruising will only serve to tie it all together.
DOCTOR: At a guess, how much alcohol do you drink in a day?
ME: Hardly any
D: That’s excellent
ME [swigs vodka] But I’m a terrible guesser
I’m not paying the ransom for my son. We do not negotiate with hospitals.
Boss: And what’s your ideal salary?
Me: Well how much does the position pay?
Boss: That depends on how much you THINK it pays
Me: What if I overestimate how much it pays?
Boss: Then we won’t hire you
Me: What if I underestimate?
Boss: Congrats! You’re our ideal candidate!
I hope I never meet the girl of my dreams because she’s a thirty foot half witch half crocodile who chases me endlessly through darkness.
[first date with a skeleton]
ME: So um… have you always been a skeleton?
HER: No, in high school I was a-
ME: Wait, no-
HER: Skeleteen.
me: why does my back hurt
also me:
I just read a story about someone finding a dead body at a Walmart. HOW EMBARRASING, I’d never be caught dead at a Walmart.
Going back to the 90’s.. You’ll want anything??
When I’m mad at my husband, I ask him to help me find my phone and then put it in my pocket on silent.
I was trying to explain how tired I was cause I was up all night scoom drolling and now I don’t think I need to explain any further.
when you wait until you’re practically crowning to take a pregnancy test