Wife: our toddler just hit me.
Me: hell no! I’m gonna teach her a lesson in manners.
[later]
Me: manners origins date back to the 1700’s and the French word etiquette, which is all about socia-
Daughter: I’m sorry.
Me: please don’t interrupt we have 320 yrs to get through.
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never deleting this app.
Things true crime has ruined for me: hiking, jogging, dating, marriage, lighting up a room.
I’m sorry for the things I said about you when I was hungry.
I only look good from one angle and if someone could please tell me what that angle is I’d be grateful
Yesterday my kid looked into my eyes and said “I love you so much daddy” then punched me in the face.
[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!
me: gimme something strong
[bartender sets down an ant] this little guy can carry 50 times his own body weight
“I think I’m falling for you.”
-replacement skydivers
I hope people think my toddler has a slight English accent bc we’re so cultured and not bc she’s basically been raised by Peppa Pig
Daughter: I want some of your coffee!!!
Me: Not if you ask like that! Grumpy girls don’t get coffee.
Husband: *from the other room* OH, is that so!?
Me: Guinness (dog) you want some bacon?
Siri: I’m completely satisfied with what I got!
Guinness: …
(tilts her head)
Meteorologists are always good looking because we won’t stand for being lied to by ugly people
[Arkham Asylum]
GUARD 1: that guy’s CRAZY *gestures to Joker’s cell*
JOKER: *using Bing instead of Google*
GUARD 2: *whispers* holy shit
Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
Me and my mates are in a band called duvet.
We’re a cover band
My horoscope was so wrong today I’m beginning to doubt the science behind this life planning tool.
well well well, if it isn’t the consequences (dying of the plague) of my own actions (putting a rat i found in an alley under my hat to help me cook hotdogs better)
I hate when companies say “THIS IS NOT A DRILL” and then they’re like “select shirts 10% off” Ok..? Didn’t need the disclaimer. Nobody thought that this was a practice round. I didn’t read the discount and go “ok champ, get on their website. Time to practice”
Call your doctor if there are more than 4 wolves inside of you.
I can’t remember exactly when I started baring my bottom in public, but it was many moons ago.
I pretend I have a “tax guy” because I’m a very busy businessman and not because I’m an idiot who won’t follow instructions
What if all countries have ninjas, and we only know about the Asian ones because they suck?
I never have a problem sharing my fries with my lovely wife (I got a second order just for me that I already ate on the drive home)
Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to me starting a fight club in the retirement home]
Me: creative differences
(Gamblers Anonymous meeting)
Leader: Bob, tell us why you’re here.
Me: $20 it’s a Blackjack addiction.
Group: *all rushing to place bets*
Oh yeah, shit’s about to get real, I say, as I seductively unbutton my pants…..
to make room for this next bite of pie.
[getting brutally stabbed] hey wait, you have an eyelash *gently removes it* make a wish
gingerbread man: hold on
[puts baking paper on the bed]
*kissing intensifies*
Legal notepads imply that illegal notepads exist
If you’re able to roll over in your grave, you should save that energy for yelling and digging.