ME: isn’t it weird how you get corn in your poop?
DOCTOR: yes but I’ve never seen an entire cob before
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A facial recognition program, but one that matches your Tupperware container to its lid.
Why be part of the problem when you can be all of it?
Friend: I got an audition for the play that cannot be named
Me: *Nodding* Fight Club
‘Your place or mine?’
Is the sexiest response to the question:
‘Where shall we bury the body?’
due to circumstances outside of my control I ended up at an Applebees and let me say it is absolutely phenomenal to have gen z in the work force. the waitress held up a plate, wrinkled her nose, and went “I wanna say these are…ribs?”
“Voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop.”
-corduroys
Times are tough. My hot soup delivered on a unicycle business is filing for bankruptcy.
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
Me: You need to eat vegetables instead of candy if you want to be tall.
4-year-old: I’ll just be small and happy.
Just finished cleaning and can’t find the kids.
Nothing like 2 big dogs chasing your dog to get in some extra cardio
nothing turns on a necrophiliac detective like cold, hard evidence
[therapy]
WIFE: he favors our son over our daughter
ME: No way, I love whatsherface just as much as I love Johnny
First Date:
Him: So, are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: (already cleaning him with my tongue)
Y’all are gonna lose your minds when Donald Trump eats a Snickers and turns into Bernie Sanders.
me linking you to my twitter
[aircraft carrier]
*paints a T on the helipad*
Captain: No it has to have an H
Me: Why?
*train sounds approaching*
Captain: Oh dear god
I’m really worried Justin Timberlake is going to have me naked by the end of this song.
[Deathbed]
Gandalf: *struggling to sit up* Frodo
Frodo: yes Gandalf?
Gandalf: theres something i always wanted to say
Frodo: *tearing up at the thought of being told he is like a son to him* yes?
Gandalf: we- *dying breath* we totally could have rode the eagles the whole way
My 6-year-old: What’s the difference between a barracuda & a shark?
Me: When a barracuda is near, you’ll hear a guitar riff. When it’s a shark, you’ll hear a tuba.
I’m starting to think YouTube hasn’t done a very good job of raising my children.
casting director: whenever you’re ready
me: the name’s bond… james bond
casting director: okay, hold up a sec. do you want to try it without the finger guns
me: no
I just ran into my high school bully and it was great cause I’m doing well and he’s 17 which is very old for a dog
Sugar in the bloodstream, I’m the world’s problem now.
My girlfriend broke up with me. I am devastated. How could you. I did everything. I surprised you with burgers every night
Want to feel old? Have sex with someone your own age.
*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*
EMPLOYEE: back again? forget something?
ME: um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?
me: “i don’t appreciate being laughed at”
seaworld employee: “sir that’s just the noise dolphins make”
gooooob morning. i’m being told. someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would’ve lost my mind
My husband has reached an age where he reads the menu out loud. The whole menu.
And then he has questions.
Please send help.