*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘tomb’ eleven times during interview at Supercuts.
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[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “cat”
ME: ok
JUDGE: incorrect
Oh really, Carol? It takes fewer muscles to smile than to frown? How many muscles does it take you to mind your own business
Ghosts think they are so scary but I see right through them
“I made myself feel better about my husband being a giant, irresponsible, adult child by imagining what it would be like if he were dead” is a weird flex but ok.
There’s no rule that says only fruit can be put in water infusers. But let me tell you, people get real weirded out when you put beef jerky and cheese in there.
once i’ve learned to lay gigantic eggs and run 50 mph, it’s over for you ostriches.
There is wisdom there.
The only bucket list I have and can finish is at KFC.
I’ve found that nowadays most people don’t like holding hands in public.
Especially if you don’t know them.
Jeweler- Lord of the rings
Fast internet- Lord of the pings
Vocalist- Lord of the sings
Trivia winner- Lord of the dings
Medical supply- Lord of the slings
Orchestra- Lord of the strings
Sports bar- Lord of the wings
Beekeeper- Lord of the stings
Tinder- Lord of the flings
Dear parents,
Here is your reminder to delete the 1000 photos your 3-year-old took while playing with your phone.
My friends made fun of me for buying this flamethrower, but at least I don’t have to shovel snow this weekend.
I was getting my haircut during a trip to Vancouver when a fellow customer overheard me say where I lived.
“While visiting Japan recently, I recently met a guy from your town.”
I jokingly asked if it happened to be my friend, as he had also recently been to Japan.
It was.
My neighbor was all like sorry I can’t stop to chat I’m running late. And I was all like it’s my lucky day. And she was like what. And I was all like have a great day!
MY KID: can you do a cartwheel?
ME: not if i want to live
Never trust couscous. It’s just fat sand.
[Picasso’s Blue Period]
Picasso: holy shit, call a gynecologist
I don’t give my children “chores”. I give them “missions” and that change in the name has made my whole life easier.
Disgusting if literal: Liverpool
[final debate]
TRUMP: I’d like to apologize to hillary
MODERATOR: umm ok
HILLARY: umm ok
TRUMP: I brought a gift *hands her a galaxy note 7*
Heading to therapy. Let’s all cross our fingers that some good therapist jokes come out of this.
Will Smith: Here come the Men in Brown.
UPS Guy: You can just sign for your delivery?
I’m either going to get a tattoo today or do something real crazy like clean my closet.
I’ve never been sucker punched but I have had someone pick up the land line when I was trying to connect to dial up, so same
That’s amazing.
[painting a model in the nude]
model: r u gonna be naked the whole time
I love when kids are like “Ah ya gaba boo ma beeba” and their parents are like, “yes that’s right liam we DID have so much fun in New Hampshire last Fourth of July!”
Welcome to Premature Ejaculation Club
A lot of you came early,
I’m not surprised
here we see Penny the diving kitty mid-triple pike, let’s see if she lands this one Steve
35% of all hospital deaths are caused by the attending physician failing to yell “Don’t you die on me!” at the right moment.