Me: Can’t you just hot-wire it?
Apple technician: No ma’am, your phone actually needs the passcode.
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DATE: …your profile said you were a bodybuilder?
ME [assembles crash test dummies for a living]: that’s right
My life coach refuses to tell me which motivational quote will protect me from corona virus 😡
Bahaha. Loving the support, maybe we’ll get this handled.
My lasagna just took a picture of me and posted it on Instagram
Guantanamo Bae
Me: Can we discuss my X-ray?
Doctor: We can try, but I never met him
Dear guy that just shoplifted a brick from the supply centre, how close are you to finishing the construction of your dream home?
Me with megaphone: “COME DOWN FROM THERE. YOU HAVE SO MUCH TO LIVE FOR.”
Man: “I’m fixing your roof tiles, remember?”
Me: “I FORGOT!”
“Those aren’t the variants you’re looking for” –
Obicron Kenobi
No, your baby was definitely crying before I dropped it, that’s why I dropped it.
Fun Fact:
Over 23.6% of relationships fail because one of the partners doesn’t like The Princess Bride.
Me: you kill people for their blood? How do you sleep at night?
Vampire: I don’t.
Me: How do you look at yourself in the mirro-
Vampire: also no.
Cavemen were like ‘kill two pterodactyls with one pstone’
do the spectators at golf tournaments know they don’t have to be there
Mcdonalds Drive thru: Do you want a girl toy or a boy toy?
Me: You have those here?!
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
HILLARY: i’m sick and tired of these baseless accusations
THE MEDIA: aha! you see?! she admits it! not only is she sick, she’s also tired!
Sharing a bed should be like boxing:
• meet in middle
• fist-bump
• put in mouthguards
• go to separate corners
• no touching until 1st bell
If your Tetris high score doesn’t excite me, you’re not loading my dishwasher
Me: Im still mad at you for last night
Hub: Well Today is the 1st. Which means that happened last month. Which means youre being ridiculous
best lyric of all time is when elton John was like “if I was a sculptor, but then again no” like pls I’m on the edge of my seat .. what were you going to do as a sculptor Elton!?!!!
I’d like to be alone now please sign out.
Cop scrolling through photos on my phone: we’ve had complaints that you’re stalking…wait…these are all of me!
5: a hedgehog is just a mouse with rock ‘n roll hair
A lady at WartMart said I smelled fruity and asked what fragrance I was wearing. I didn’t have the heart to tell her I missed my mouth with a slushie so I pointed to a random body spray
Going viral on X is like winning a lotto during the apocalypse
Husband and I were blissfully happy for 25 years.
Then we met.