I was flattered when my crush added her stick figure to my mini van. I can’t wait to hear what my wife thinks…
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I get it, mayonnaise. I am also disgusting yet liked by many.
“Help! I can’t get my jogging trousers off!”
“We’ll have to perform an emergency trackybottomy”
My 2yo thinks 5 am is a great time to discuss the mysteries of life.
I’m a little sad about my weight gain, but like they say, “suck it up, cup of butter.”
NURSE: She’s in a coma. She’s been on hungerstrike
[boyfriend walks in with just enough chips for himself]
PATIENT: *Opens one eye*
My cousin told everyone he could do a backflip. We all gathered around him. He said, “I can’t do it if you’re watching.” #MyFamilyIsWeird
[At a child’s birthday party, holding a poorly taxidermied possum]
I heard someone likes stuffed animals!
Does the S in iPhone 5S stand for “superficial”? “Shallow”? “Slave”? Or “soon to be obsolete”?
Still writing 2023 on all my ransom notes.
I never believed dad-senses were a real thing until I had kids but now I can smell weather and hear people changing the thermostat.
Iron Man: *eats chips*
Ant Man: *eats microchips*
I wonder if Disney Princesses take BuzzFeed quizzes to find out which bored stay-at-home mom they are.
in scotland, it’s illegal to be drunk and in possession of a cow. i just want to know how many times this happened before the government had to put their foot down
Adult me is pretty pissed that you can’t learn to dance perfectly in the span of an 80’s montage.
behind every “do what you want” is a secret “if you dare”
Fun Prank:
Use Bluetooth to play 30 second blasts of Napalm Death on your neighbours stereo. They’ll think they have a poltergeist and move
Dude! Stop being such a baby, man up, walk over there and ask her if she like, ‘like-likes’ me.
[being murdered]
me: you know you should really talk to someone about all of this. do you want the number of my therapist?
I don’t hold a grudge. I need both hands free for the chainsaw.
He: did you burn dinner again?
Me: it’s a Flambé.
He: it’s mac and cheese
Me: it’s French mac and cheese!!
Just overheard my 6-year-old son ask Alexa, “Alexa, is there anyone my dad could beat up?”
It’s so nice that Girl Scout Cookies come in single serving packages.
Me: How bout we head over to my place?
Her: Nope
Me: I have a dog…
Her: Get in I’ll drive
Me: *drinks tea*
Villain: haha! I have poisoned your drink!
Me: *starts drinking faster*
My uterus really needs a new lining every month? Seems ungrateful. What’s wrong with the lining I got you last month. It was brand new
Trying to eat the recommended eight cups of chicken burrito bowl a day. I’ve already noticed my sleep is better, less aches and pains etc.
I wish I was a better person
genie: kind of a low bar but ok
lmfao come on
[After date, walking her to her door]
Her: Thanks. I would invite you in, but I don’t want to.