“Miss me yet?” – 2019
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Hubby just choked after he bit into a grape and it squirted down his throat….
Not as easy as it looks is it?
20’s: I am invincible!
40’s: I am very vincible
I think it’s totally unfair that my dad is making me paint the porch with him today, even if it is my porch
[ the manger ]
me: so what’s his name
mary: jesus christ
me: hey watch your language around the baby
10’s homework question: “Which appliance in your home do you think is the most useful?”
His answer: “My mom.”
I’m so used to sleeping on my right side that if I switch to my left, my insides feel like a room full of furniture trying to violently escape a haunted house.
So far my favorite part about being pregnant is telling people I’m not pregnant when they ask when I’m due.
What happens when Christopher’s car breaks down?
Christopher Walken
Returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.
Ways to make your woman happy.
1. Cook for her.
2. Surprise her with hugs & kisses.
3. Hide a lion in her apartment then rescue her.
BOSS: I’m sorry I just don’t trust your judgment.
ME: [trying to pick up glass of water with both fists wedged in Pringles tubes] explain..
Teacher: You can do anything you set your mind to
[I try to sneak outta class but somehow mess up the pull door twice]
Except maybe that guy
What are you listening to?
The Who
Who?
Yes
You’re listening to Yes?
No The Who
Oh I like them
No not Them. The band is The Who.
The Band?
[1773]
“Your majesty, last night some angry colonists dumped our tea into the Boston Harbor”
*three English ladies faint*
WTF THIS MEANS WAR
Plot twist: This time the dog opens the door and I run away.
We might appreciate window lickers more if they had squeegees for tongues.
Me: I feel like I look cute today.
Target self-checkout video: EIGHTY-SEVEN YEAR OLD WITCH.
I started writing a joke about Harry Houdini. But the punchline escaped me.
*finds a sock behind the washing machine*
*plays loud dramatic romantic music as I reunite two socks*
They must have gotten it to go.
When Dr. Seuss wrote, “Oh, The Places You’ll Go,” he did not consider how comfortable my couch would be.
When my wife came home I hid under a blanket and my quick thinking 5yo said to her “That’s not daddy under the blanket. That’s just a big lump.”
i woke up at 3:48 from a weird dream i wanted to rememember. tried to text myself sketchy details. accidentally sent them to a number one off from mine. help
[leaving Whole Foods]
wife: Can you believe we only spent $100?
*bag rips*
*apple falls out*
me:
wife:
me: Well that was a waste of $100
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
im 7 sauces long
ALIEN: Take me to your leader
ME: [eating pizza with a fork] Bold of you to assume that I’m not the leader
Every old house is haunted, but some ghosts are just clumsier than others.
I once got a bonus onion ring in my fries at a restaurant that didn’t serve onion rings if you’re wondering who’s top shelf around here