I don’t want a sensible dinner I want an imbecilic dinner
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HEY YOU WANNA GO FOR A RIDE IN MY TRUCK BABY. NO I WANNA GO TO YOUR HOUSE. MEET YOUR WIFE. MAYBE SHE WANTS TO COME WITH?
Who called it anxiety and not revenge of the nerves?
INMATE: “What are you in for?”
ME: “A real treat, I hope.”
Life was once a string of awkward silences but then I got a kazoo
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Clark Kent: kryptonite
Interviewer: right, what’s your kryptonite?
Clark Kent: ohhhh I see what you mean. Chips and salsa
I wish my car could shake off the rain before going into the garage,
just like a dog after a bath
Stop being racist to kettles.
I 100% subscribe to this philosophy
[job interview]
“I’ll never hire you”
ME: [swordfighting a field mouse] Is it cuz I’m swordf-
NO IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE LOSING TO A FIELD MOUSE
I’ve never skydived but I have had to do math in front of a bunch of people in a meeting so I think I understand the adrenaline rush.
I think it’s bad coaching to tell kids to choke up on the bat. matter of fact i don’t think children should be eating baseball bats at all.
Not me, making a fresh batch of no bake cookies because I don’t want the kids to know I ate all of the no bake cookies we made yesterday.
I’m only seeing the new Jurassic Park if the dinosaurs aren’t a metaphor for anything. Don’t want to look at a stegosaurus and have to think about neoliberalism or the modern surveillance state
A News Reporter just described someone as “Healthy as a Bus”.
Yeah….I don’t know either.
Girls complain about guys using them for sex, but sex is awesome! Start bitching when he uses you for laundry, or as a human shield.
My wife dared me to yell out “HURRY UP HAYDEN” at Disney World. Now we have 27 blonde boys & 8 girls following us like Children of the Corn.
WIFE: *spells out words so the kids won’t know what she is saying*
ME: [to the kids] I don’t know either.
It wasn’t a crisis until my mother heard about it.
Stop telling me your newborns weight and length. I don’t know what to do with that information.
Could reporters stop asking if political leaders “believe” in climate change and start asking if they understand it instead
In high school I wrote my crush a love note and signed it messy like a doctor, she loved it but thought it was my friend’s name.
Thanks to me they’ve been married for 17 years.
My daughter just came into the kitchen to finish getting ready to go out. So now I’m making a cheese, bacon and hairspray omelette.
Got my first date of the year. i mean it’s a court date but I’m dressing up.
mathematically impossible
INTERVIEWER: You worked in a NASCAR pit crew? How does that qualify you to work here at the Men’s Wearhou
*I’ve already changed his pants*
My flabber has been gasted.
My wife and I decided not to have kids.
We plan on telling them tonight…
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
Me: Are you still wearing pajamas? Go change.
4yo: *Goes upstairs
*Comes down wearing different pair of pajamas
Fox: Winter is here. We need a plan to survive.
Bear: I have a great idea! We just sleep until spring.
Goose: Wanna hear migrate idea?