Every Law & Order episode should end with:
“Objection your honor, the prosecution’s face is way too symmetrical!”
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*1941 movie pitch*
“So it’s about an elephant w/big ears and we call him stupid then torture his mother.”
Walt Disney, “I smell a winner.”
Whatever happened to that little girl from The Ring, did she grow up to be Kristen Stewart?
I can really relate to eminem in “8 mile” because my moms spaghetti is really bad too
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get both into and out of the shower.
Hurt my hand so now I tweet exclusively with one of those text to speech things comma I think it’s going well full stop send tweet no don’t type that send tweet I said send tweet are you shouting at your phone nobody asked you rebecca wait no don’t send that
landlord is raising our rent 9.5% I think I’ll start burying all of my garbage in the backyard
I keep hearing about kids accidentally dying from trying to get an asphyxiation high.
What happened to drugs, kids?! We still have drugs!
I learned two things today:
1) my mother-in-law is coming over for dinner
2) it takes me 1 hour 47 minutes to get home from work in idle
Be the reason why a nun does the sign of the cross when she looks at you.
nurse: are you allergic to any medicine?
me: laughter
nurse: hahaha. OH MY GOD-
me [face swelling up]: i thold thou.
Seems kinda suspicious
Interviewer: so where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I would say my biggest weakness is listening.
This spider just got away from me because I made the classic villain mistake of telling him my whole evil plan before killing him.
My stalker twisted his ankle, so now I have to walk slower for 2-3 weeks.
The 9 circles of hell:
9) limbo
8) lust
7) gluttony
6) greed
5) anger
4) heresy
3) violence
2) fraud
1) shopping on Black Friday
I exercise by keeping the whisky bottle on the far side of the room.
I’ve kept my tamagotchi alive for the past 15 years, so yeah Mom, I know what it’s like to raise an “ungrateful little prick”
me: gimme something strong
[bartender sets down an ant] this little guy can carry 50 times his own body weight
Here’s a little song I wrote about our child trying to make her own smoothie in the blender it’s called “Yogurt on the Ceiling, Bananas on the Wall” and a one and a two
Bad Cop: The proof is in the pudding.
Good Cop: Stop putting all our evidence in pudding. Why do you keep putting our evidence in pudding?
me: this used to be a Pizza Hut, you can always tell no matter what they turn it into
prison guard: no talking after lights out
I love all the Winter Olympic events, sliding downhill on a piece of wood, sliding downhill on 2 pieces of wood, sliding downhill IN a piece of wood. All amazing.
Terminator: “Come with me if you want to live.”
Me: “Oh, no thank you.”
me: my father went out for cigarettes ten years ago and-
sloth dad: *opening door* forgot my wallet
Charm me with your intelligence or just wait till I’m really drunk.
No one will even notice your holiday weight gain if you start carrying pie everywhere you go.
Life hack: If your FIL ever says, “Stop me if I’ve told you this,” take him up on it.
You’re officially old when the lady who cuts your hair starts asking you if you would like her to trim your eyebrows and ears
…yes please
My 3-year-old got a cut on her finger.
She’s holding it up to show people her band-aid.
Yes, that’s my kid flipping off everyone in the grocery store.
Boss: You’re
Me: Doing great?
B: No, I’m letting you
M: Have the corner office?
B: go.
M: Why?
B: Constantly completing my sentences wrong.