No thanks “protected account”. You can’t trick me into following you!
For all I know, you could be a vegan.
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The cool thing about robbing a library is that you have two weeks before they notice.
Meth is short for Elizameth.
Sex with me is like a roller coaster. There’s lots of screaming and sometimes people fly out and die.
Me: I like the cuddles more than the rough hugs.
Coach: Again, they’re called “huddles” and “tackles.”
Daughter: Before the internet how’d you get anything done?!
Me: I don’t remember honey. Google it.
HER: my water broke
ME: [looking at my ice cream scoop on the ground] we all have our issues
It’s an unspoken rule on garbage day that pajamaed neighbors pretend not to see each other.
You are the toothpaste to my orange juice.
If I had a hill house I would simply not allow it to be haunted
*at store*
Random guy: Do you have the time?
Me: 6:30.
Random guy: Thanks. I lost my watch and I have no idea where I put the dang —
Me: Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. We’re done here.
[holding a playstation controller while i watch Friends and pretending i’m controlling chandler]
[first day as a waiter]
Customer: We’ve been waiting forever.
Me: ME TOO.
Tonite on House Hunters: Jill wants 4 bedrooms, granite countertops and a home spa. Bob wants to be stabbed in the driveway.
Remember the 90’s when a fax machine would keep calling your number that sounded like a pissed off pterodactyl …. Good Times ….
There is so much misplaced anger in this world. And so much of it is aimed at Brussels sprouts. Sad.
My mind is always on fast forward while my body’s in slow motion. I’m just like that channel where the sound is out-of-sync w/ the picture.
My 15 year old dishwasher finally kicked the bucket today. So my husband said, “Well at least now I know what you’re getting for Valentine’s Day.” YALL.
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Dwayne Johnson: *sweating nervously* certainly not paper that’s for sure
Me at 25: I would never date anyone who smokes.
Me now: I would never date anyone.
I’m a bit concerned about my delivery driver
Me:FitBit™
Dogs:SitBit™
Babies:ShitBit™
Mosquitos:GitBit™
Scabies:NitBit™
Writers:WitBit™
Ballplayers:HitBit™
Stoners:LitBit™
Teens:ZitBit™
Whenever I see a photo of a baby captioned “this little guy is going to change the world”, I just imagine that baby committing various crimes.
Made eye contact with a dude walking his dog while I was taking a sip of water from my bottle. The cap was still on. We both noticed.
Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
“are you drunk?”
– everyone’s response when i send a nice text
Too bad Bill Nye knows science because if he didn’t he could be Bill Deny the Anti-Science Guy
Birds are fed by their parents in their infancy. When the time comes to feed themselves, there can be some confusion when the food does not go into their mouth by itself.
BABY COW: [points at human] What’s that?
OLDER COW: That is a milk dracula
We now return to ‘CANADIAN SNIPER’
*canadian sniper shoots an enemy*
*canadian sniper yells ‘sorry’ from far away*
“WE ALREADY HAVE IT!”
ME: What do we want?!
“TIME TRAVEL!”
ME: When do we–oh
Told my mom I hit 1200 Twitter followers. She pointed out how my brother owns a house and I’m wanted by several collection agencies. Oh ma!