It’s so cute how all the free sandwiches in the fridge at work have little names.
You Might Also Like
You can make approximately 225 circles in a roundabout before the cops show up
[leaving theater]
me (drying my eyes): I hate movies where a dog dies
wife: that was a werewolf
me: but still
People who live in glass houses should wear fish costumes.
Looking back, my financial health took a turn for the worse right after I broke my piggy bank.
If you’ve ever watched a butcher wrap pork chops, you’ve seen me wrapping Christmas presents.
[twirls in a dress made of knives]
Oh, this old thing? Just something I put on and wield against innocent bystanders every 28 to 31 days.
Essential viewing in these troubled times.
Congrats to my tween for graduating at the top of his class from eye roll university.
Drinking alcohol can lead to many things, like uneating your food.
I’ll play duck-duck-goose and give all gooses. I don’t give a duck.
podcaster 40 mins into an ep: okay, so let’s just dive right in
He-man has a Masters degree
Single people at the grocery store are without a care in the world as if they don’t have to worry about bringing home the wrong yogurt
Job interviewer: So do you have any people skills?
Me: Eleven confirmed
JI: What?
Me: What?
Stick it to the man
I have a firm understanding of basic math.
Example: I have two cupcakes and I’m going to eat them both.
[interview at winery]
What strengths do you bring to the job?
*long pause while Jesus glares at interviewer*
Are you being serious right now
Him: I’m really into clean eating.
Me: [trying to impress] I almost never eat food I’ve dropped on the floor.
Scooby Doo taught me that if you smoke enough pot, your dog will talk and help you get snacks.
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
If you are feeling tired, let someone see you rip the head off a stuffed animal and eat the stuffing, and then you will have lots of time to rest.
hmm conte-me mais
I could never do time in prison – The handshakes are way too complicated.
My mother-in-law doesn’t get migraines. She gives them.
I…do not understand how electricity works.
People who use any other buttons on your microwave besides 30 Seconds default one, explain yourselves!
Due to market uncertainty my wife asked if we should move around our money and I agreed.
I jiggled the change in my pocket.
*Stands at produce aisle
*Grabs GIANT zucchini
*Holds it high in the air
*Yells:
Is THIS cucumber big enough for you, honey?!?!?!
Who chose this font
My 4-year-old asked for hot cocoa, but wanted me to put it in the fridge to cool off before he drank it.
I said, “So you basically want chocolate milk.” His look said, “Don’t even think about it.”