Bear tip: If a bear is mauling you to death, challenge it to a maths quiz instead
(mauling people to death is against the rules in quizzes)
You Might Also Like
*gets naked*
*gets baked*
*doesn’t get why they don’t rhyme*
Cop: My informant told me where the killer is
Chief: Nice. Did he give you a name?
Cop: No chief *frowns* my parents did that
Screamed from the other room for somebody to bring me toilet paper only to be ignored.
Olive Garden wasn’t lying. When you’re here, you really are family.
when i say im saving myself for marriage what i mean is you won’t know how annoying i am until it’s too late
Nothing makes me more anxious than when I answer the same letter, three questions in a row on a multiple choice test.
I once confused a tube of superglue with a tube of lube.
It was horrible.
My model plane kept slipping apart
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia.
*Daycare drop off*
4yo: *very loudly* Mommy you have a watermelon belly. *pats my belly* Yup, that just what a watermelon sounds like.
The people naming dinosaurs should teach the people naming hurricanes how to name stuff.
Walked into WalMart and a small child pointed at me and said “what is that thing?”
I don’t know either, kid
It’s been a really expensive month for the last 125 months.
Husband: No stubble? Did you finally shave your legs?
Me: No. I grew it out so you’d stop complaining about the stubble.
hey Disney-Pixar here’s an idea maybe make a movie where the daughter ACTUALLY LISTENS TO HER FATHER
People who live in glass houses should install frosted glass around the toilet part.
Lawyer: Just be confident in there and they’ll believe you
Me: Got it[Later]
Judge: Did you kill him?
Me *confidently* yes
me: *finally catching up financially*
the brakes on my car: hehe
one time when I was a kid I was in canada on canada day but didn’t realize it was canada day and I saw a mountie on stilts so I spent the next couple of years thinking canada had stilt cops
[post sex]
Her: I wonder what he’s thinking about, I hope it wasn’t bad
Me: if you made tea from lizards it’d be called chamomeleon
*puts crime-scene photos in a rocket*
Ok stand back
“Detective, what are u doing?”
What does it look like, I’m launching this investigation
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
Julian Assange became a role model for hackers worldwide by crashing at a friend’s place indefinitely & never paying his share of any bills.
My mom used to feed me soap as a reward for saying bad words.
Them: I know you mean well –
Me: I absolutely do not
[dollar store]
ME: how much are your dollars
CLERK: a dollar
ME: okay I’ll take one dollar
CLERK: that’ll be one dollar
ME: thanks
CLERK: have a nice day
I will never stop laughing at this
imagine an evil whale. you can’t. what would it even do
No one told me my life would become so much googling it
The FBI would save time on manhunts if they cross-referenced suspects with a list of people who’ve gotten married at Disney World.
Apparently “I don’t like scary movies,” is not an appropriate response to being asked to watch a wedding video.