My family takes turns with who hosts Thanksgiving each year. When it was my cousin’s first time to host, she put the turkey in the oven, but forgot to turn the oven on. She was taken out of the hosting rotation. Brilliant.
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[road trip]
Child: I spy with my little eye…something with a huge bald spot and-
Me: PLAY SOMETHING ELSE
Me: *practices best man speech while shaving in front of mirror*
Driver’s ed instructor: stop the car
Phonetics
If we get locked down again, I might actually be willing to chat with someone about my car’s extended warranty.
5YO: Daddy, did you play Roblox as a kid?
8YO: *Interrupting* He didn’t have Roblox when he was kid. He would just play outside.
*Both start laughing*
i don’t think it’ll all fit in there
Just been to the gym and there’s a new machine. Only used it for an hour, as I started to feel sick. It’s good though. It does everything: Kit-Kats, Mars Bars, Snickers, etc.
Everyone: Sleep when your baby sleeps.
My brain: Oh man she’s so cute. Just stare at her for two hours straight until she wakes up again.
My refrigerator is so full I have to slide the Country Crock out like I’m playing Jenga
throwback to when the car insurance lady asked my mom for front, rear, & side views but she didn’t get the memo..
All kids are born with a sixth sense that lets them know the absolute worst time to ask for something.
Trying to explain to H that when the doctor said he can have one red wine a day, he didn’t mean bottle.
WAITER: so did you enjoy your meal this evening?
GF: I DID, until some IDIOT ruined it with his food puns
ME: I cannoli assume she means you
If you want to know how I rate in our household, my wife has one term of endearment for me and 74 for our dog.
“HR says I’m not allowed to play horseshoes in the hallway anymore. They say it’s dangerous and it alarms the tenants on the floor below.”
“HR? You don’t have a job.”
“Tell them that.”
Got excited because I thought my wife bought ice cream at the store.
Eye cream. It was eye cream.
[interview]
What is your greatest strength?
“Throwing my voice”
You’re hired!
“Ok great, thanks”
Wait I didn’t say- oh wow you’re good
When you’re anti-social, knowing you’re not alone is both comforting and disconcerting.
Email I meant to send – “I will touch base with you next week” vs the email I sent – “I will touch you next week”
HR reminds us to proof read before sending
Someone at the grocery store yelled “space” dramatically, and I responded with “the final frontier,’ and now I need a new grocery store.
NO SCREENS FOR THE WHOLE WEEKEND just fell out of my mouth and if divorce were a facial expression my husband just asked me for one
Sometimes the only reason I leave my house is so when someone asks about my day I don’t have to say “Netflix and avoiding responsibilities”
*licks ice cream cone
Cone: I have a boyfriend.
me: hey there delilah what’s it like in new york city
delilah: real estate prices have skyrocketed making it impossible for people to find housing and forcing them to commute from further away, adding stress and expense to their already overburdened lives
me: ..you’re so pretty
I want an ice cream sundae so big that it edges into mondae
A guy hands me a lit doobie at a party. I panic and pretend to play it like a tiny trumpet.
when someone tells me love is in the air 😷
wife [text] I’m so proud of you for sticking to your diet
me [can’t respond because there’s powdered donut on my fingers]
I’d remove my mittens to text you back, baby
-Canadians flirting
Him: Are you always this socially awkward?
Me: Only when I’m in my human form.
Him: So always.