I’d like to apologize to the lady on the bus. I assumed you wanted your hair held back while you ate your banana.
You Might Also Like
My 4 year old is at his cutest when he is so proud that he managed to put his school uniform on all by himself but didn’t realise it’s Saturday morning
My New Year’s resolutions:
1. Stop making lists.
B. Be more consistent.
7. Learn to count.
Do people who bring bikes on the subway know about riding bikes?
Just saw a touching BP commercial where BP congratulates BP for doing some of what BP was legally required to do after it wrecked the earth.
I have my own hand stamper at home so my coworkers will think I went someplace fun the night before.
when my wife is giving birth then the baby pops out and steals the hotdog i’m eating
“I never trust anything from the government!”
*uses highways
14: hey dad- do you know what 9x9x9x9 is?
Me: I’m 40. I don’t need to know that anymore.
superman villains:
darkseid – galactic conqueror
doomsday – indestructible killing machinebatman villains:
the joker – tells little jokes
the riddler – poses little riddles
the penguin – is a penguin
Make new friends? bro out of what?
i think i understand why rhinos are going extinct
[normal life]
ive worn the same shirt everyday for a week
[packing for vacation]
hmmm. i’ll prob change a few times a day so thats…32 shirts
There should be a special rating system for movies that tells you how uncomfortable you’ll be if you watch them with your parents.
[mouse wedding]
PHOTOGRAPHER: Oh my God [closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose] Stop. Turning. Round. THERE ISN’T ANY ACTUAL CHEESE
There is nothing more enjoyable than watching a child being chased by a seagull.
My husband wants me to seek help with my substance abuse problem. I even caught him throwing away my latest Bath & Body Works coupons.
Shhh, turn out the lights and hide. My feelings are knocking on the door.
I was in long distance relationship for eight years with my Mr. before we got married. So, believe me when I tell you, I’ve never missed anyone as much as I miss my cleaning lady.
Jane Austen is short for Jane Stonecoldsteve Austen.
Instead of taking melatonin just pay me to come to your home each night and I’ll tell you about my accounting job
Them: hey, you coming for drinks after work?
Me:…
“Your under arrest!”
No, YOU’RE under arrest
*police looks around points to himself & mouths ‘me’*
Yeah you.
*he tosses me cop car keys*
People: Dogs can always sense someone’s true colors.
Dogs: WTF is “colors”?
Wife: We get 1 “cheat meal” on our diet. I want tacos. What do you want?
Me: The waitress.…And that’s why I’m not getting laid tonight.
I bet homophobic guys get reincarnated into condoms.
Lost your keys?
Why not try looking in the same two places 16 times whilst getting increasingly angrier
my mother is taking me to see the monday matinee showing of the barbie movie as a mother should.
Date: You seem close to your mom
Me: I am
Mom: It is a small table for 3
Parenting is weird because you find yourself saying things like: that was a cute story but you know if you ever meet a real bear with a toothache you shouldn’t try to help it, right?
Why do they call it a zoom meeting, and not a co-vid?