In the garden centre and a woman’s screaming:
“DON’T PUT YOUR FINGER IN THAT VENUS FLY TRAP AGAIN JOHN!”
Everyone looks over expecting a child and there’s John, 70, with his finger in a Venus fly trap.
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BOSS: You all get 1 floating holiday
COWORKER: I’m taking Earth Day off
ME: [knowing a day on Venus is 243 Earth days] I’ll take Venus Day
Tell me a story and include details but not too many details like I don’t need to know about a suspicious mole
Make good choices because ghosts are stuck with the haircut they died with.
I get it, artificial Christmas tree. I also can’t fit in my pre-Christmas box.
sugar daddy: I’m gonna spoil you
salt daddy: I’m gonna preserve you
my boss: due to coronavirus, we will be making all meetings remote
me: [sensing opportunity] what if we didn’t have them at all, to be safe
Potionheads be like bro this is an elixir bro it’s different just try it. Nice try junkie I’m sticking with the turkeylegs and apples I find on the castle floor
You can put refrigerator magnets on your car, too. There are no rules.
The claw machine proves that it only costs $1 to get mad
think of all the paper we are saving complaining online.
*pours 2 glasses of wine*
*gives one to wife*
*gives other one to wife*
Me: Tonight I’m going to get some good sleep.
WebMD: With the fishes.
they should put mayonnaise in a spray bottle and called it sprayonnaise. lol the government allows me to vote
8 yr old: Mom, what do you want to be?
Me: Single, living in Bahamas, no kids, maybe operate a little dive shop, driv–
8: I mean for Halloween
Me: Oh, I don’t know I haven’t really thought about it
oh good, now I can stop drinking
the bots have become self-efficient faster than we imagined
“Sir you can’t bring your dog onto the plane”
[labradoodle puts on tiny pilot hat]
“Omg captain I’m so sorry”
Her: Who ate all the ice cream?
Me: *blaming the dog* Reese
Her: What? How?
Me: Witherspoon
Covid has the side effect of making us long for a time we didn’t even like.
Niece: I like math
M: 5 X 1?
N: 5
M: *takes out phone* right
N:You’re using your phone?
M: I got a text
N: I didnt hear a sound*runs away*
To keep people on their toes, when offered food at an event, I ask “Are there bees in this?”
chips are basically like “do you want to eat a potato one page at a time”
man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single
How to get a guys attention:
1. Take off your shirt
2. Be a TV
You should never forget where you came from. That’s probably where your keys are.
As kids, we wondered why our parents were always in a bad mood.
Now we’re like, okay yes this makes sense.
boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go
me: you’re cancelling me?
boss: I mean, we’re firing you??
me: wow… so this is what cancel culture feels like on the other side
boss: you stabbed Gary in the parking lot after his shift
*dramatically gets out of bean bag chair for 20 minutes*
Steve Buscemi is the only reported case of the saying “If you keep making that face, it’s going to get stuck that way” being true.
Sorry I missed your call, the frogs had my phone again.