HER: my friend katie is single again
ME: so’s my buddy dave, we should set them up
HER: yes!
[later]
DAVE AND KATIE [talking to the cops]: we swear we were framed!
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Ah, gaily-wrapped gifts beneath a Christmas tree, twinkling lights, mince pies, and an open fire. I’m in a good place right now. I should probably leave before the owners get home.
Wow so when Joe Biden and Jill Biden sleep in the same bedroom, it’s cute, but when I do it, secret service arrests me for trespassing in the White House.
Is it because I’m brown??
Explain it to me like I’m five then do it for me like I’m one hundred.
MURDERER: [looking for me] You better of hidden well or you’re dead
ME: [under bed, tears in my eyes] It’s better HAVE
I’m guessing the best thing about being a zombie is knowing the dance routine to “Thriller”.
God: *creating Eve from Adam’s rib*
Adam: That’s a weird way to make people
God: Lol wait till you see how she does it
never saying ‘i love you’ first ever again
i couldn’t remember the word “counting” so i told my friend to “do the number alphabet.”
Should I ever become president everyone who uses the word “bae” will be sterilized.
Wife: *putting shoes on* Time to take out the garbage
Me: Can we please go back to calling it date night
Fingers crossed that Cupid hits me in the carotid artery.
my friend: [just got fired from his job] what a day
me: [got to the gym and only my left headphone worked] you have no idea
I don’t understand interventions. What’s the point of being told u drink too much by a room full of the reasons u drink in the first place?
Wife: We should go camping
Me: Yay
*waits til wife is gone to tell kids the Blair Witch Project plot. Camping trip turns into visit to NYC*
These baby cardinals are thugs. They muscle all the other birds away from the feeder. I saw one put out a cigarette in a blue jay’s eye.
Dammit, stop summoning me to fight global warming! I’ll believe it when the remaining 3% of scientists believe it! -Republican Capt. Planet
*hangs a vacant sign on your forehead*
babe, listen, I need you to bring me $15000 cash and my passport. I out-pizza’d the hut and they are after me
Smokey the Bear is 100% what kept me from starting forest fires
hand-to-hand combat, but its just two mimes trying to establish dominance by pushing on opposite sides of the same imaginary box’s wall
If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.
Dad owl: I’m dying so I need you to look after things. I’m going to give you-
Son owl: Don’t say it
Dad: Power of a tawny
Son: [turns head]
“You need to take better care of yourself.”
– four physicians that I’ve outlived
My cat has a legal name but she prefers to go by her pet name.
Why do people have guest books at their houses? Your game night is not a destination, Brenda.
[pushing my son in his stroller]
Stranger: awww aren’t you adorable! how old are you?
Me: 35
Stranger: I was talking to him
Me: He doesn’t know how old I am.
[restaurant]
WAITRESS: Would you like a lunch menu or a dinner menu?
ME: No thanks. I don’t eat menus.
The law of children dictates that for every water bottle brought into your car, 37 more water bottles appear on the floor of your car.
Wife: “If I die first, I want you to remarry.”
Me: “Wow. Do you really hate me that much?”
A fun thing to do is comment “that ain’t the girl you were with at the bar the other night” on all my married friends Facebook family photos