Parenting is groaning when you have to watch the same movie for the 300th time, but also mad when the kid interrupts the movie because you’re actually watching it
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wife: as immature as you are, you do do a lot for this family, so thank you
me: *giggles*
wife:
me:
wife: …go ahead
me: “do do”
Baby needs a costume? Wrap it in tin foil. Baked potato. Next question.
If I was a piece of candy, I’d be Double Bubble gum. Too hard and sharp at first, a fleeting moment of wonderful sweetness and then a long period of tasteless inconvenience.
Become a parent, so you can be accused of “using up all the internet” when Fortnite glitches for a millisecond.
FUTURE ME: i’ve come to stop you from wearing that heinous shirt
PRESENT ME: wait shouldn’t you be using time travel to kill hitler or something
FUTURE ME: it’s a really bad shirt jill
Alarm clock set for 6:00 am
Bladder set for 5:54 am
lmaooo this was a legitimate email my sister sent to a college professor when she forgot to submit a paper whilst drunk at a darty. like can you imagine reading this with sober eyes????
I’d pay good monkey to see that!
You mean, good money?
*squints*
You hard of hearing or something?
No matter what country you’re from, how you identify yourself or what you believe in, you’ve tried to move objects with your mind before.
Me: So, what was the issue?
Plumber: You had hundreds of Q-tips clogging your toilet.
Me:
Plumber:
Me: *sheepishly* I ran out of toilet paper.
Give a man a roll of toilet paper, he wipes for a day
Give a man a CVS receipt, he wipes for a lifetime
women in PHLEGM (Philosophy, History, Languages, English Literature, Geography, Music)
You answer the door and see me calmly standing in front of you covered in a red viscus liquid. You scream before I can ask to borrow more ketchup for our slip’n slide.
Have you ever noticed that Santa brings better gifts to the kids that have rich parents?
me: do you serve crabs here?
waiter: yes, we do
my crab: *taking off his jacket* finally
I once got a bonus onion ring in my fries at a restaurant that didn’t serve onion rings if you’re wondering who’s top shelf around here
After 10 missed calls in a row, I’m tempted to answer the phone just so I can find out who wants to be murdered.
Text your husband “I know your secret” and he’ll bring you home so many awesome presents!
You don’t even need to know what the secret is!
I’ll date any guy that can digest a seagull faster than me.
I want to rub myself all over you like a dog rolling in a dead raccoon.
The nice thing about Hide-and-Seek is your children voluntarily go in a closet and be quiet for 3 hours.
I was a professional waxer for four years till the law shut me down for naming my shop Smoothie King.
Blowing kisses to my coworkers so that nobody talks to me today
Major Tom: This is Major Tom to Ground Control
I’m stepping through the door
& I’m floating in a most peculiar way
GC: New phone. Who dis?
I imagine the best part about driving a smart car is that when there’s no parking spots you can just put it in your backpack.
All of these jokes are gonna be a lot less funny when I die of laundry.
Not to brag but a girl at this party said I look like the Hulk, of course it was when I was turning green from drinking too much, but still…
You never forget the first 800 people you sacrifice to Satan.
Parents don’t have “favorites.” We dislike all of our children equally.