i’d give up everything to be a small anthropomorphic woodland animal wearing victorian clothes living in a little house in a meadow and my neighbour is a goose wearing a bonnet and my only worry is will my apple pie be ready for when mrs owl comes visit me for tea time
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“All I want is one nice photo”
My kids:
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i’m so optimistic
HER: yes
ME: cool see u tonight
My 6-year-old, describing the ant he saw today
*gets home from game*
“whoa what happened to your eye”
I was on the Kiss Cam
“oh she wasn’t into it?”
with the t-shirt cannon guy’s daughter
*shows up at your potluck with a handful of McDonald’s ketchup packets*
If this doughnut and chocolate milk are going to take years off my life, could I have them remove 1978-1982?
Just shake the magic 8 ball and tell me what it says
Priest inside the confessional: I’m not sure you know exactly where you are
Don’t be jealous but my kids managed to have 14 different fights in the 5 minute drive home from school.
My body: I need to perspire.
Antiperspirant: The hell you do.
*gets down on one knee*
Wow, you really suck. Why can’t you be more like the other knee?
Website: are you a robot?
Cyborg: *sweating activated*
Producer: This is a complete ripoff of Sesame Street.
Me: How so?
Producer: For starters, it stars puppets you refer to as “Moppets” named Large Bird, Herman the Toad, The Archduke, Alma, and Kurt & Arnie. And you call it…?
Me: Poppy Seed Blvd.
Producer: Get out.
They say a long, tight hug releases endorphins to make you feel calm and happy.
I think the guy in front of me at this DMV would disagree.
Some of y’all tweet about Mondays like it caught you by surprise
Saw a tempting new kind of ice cream in the case at the grocery store and, for some reason, audibly said “Hi” to it. A lady behind me said “Excuse me?” and I motioned to the glass door in front of me and realized I looked like a parakeet enamored by the strange bird in the mirror
Go buy a burrito, leave it in your fridge, get drunk, come home and be your own best secret admirer.
I mean, I’m smart, but I’m no Alfred Einstein.
*accidentally leaving the house without headphones* oH NO NOW PEOPLE CAN SEE ME
If I were a Greek philosopher, my name would be Mediocrites.
Asking your stay-at-home wife what exactly she did all day is a fun way to bleed.
astronomy is a growing field as the universe is expected to expand indefinitely
If you rub chop sticks together its a sign of disrespect but if you use them to play a bitching drum solo much honor will come your way
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Bros before Ohioes
[7 minutes in heaven]
Me: so, I’ve never made out with anyone before, have you? We don’t have to if you don’t want to. I don’t want to make you uncomfortable. Ugh I’m rambling now aren’t I. Sorry, I’m just nervous haha
Jesus: you’ve been up here 7 minutes what is wrong with you
[burglar gently waking me] you live like this?
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Wife: *spreads picnic beneath large oak tree*
Me: No good
Wife: Why not?
Me: Seems shady
Wife: *attacks me with plastic cutlery*
Wife: you need to prepare the turkey
Me: *sits turkey down* dude this isn’t gonna be a good day for you
good cop: we’ve located the explosives
cop who loves eminem: now this looks like a bomb to me so everybody / stay calm for me