[inventing the grinch] santa needs a wario
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greatest 45 seconds in cinematic history
Times I’ve served soup with my ladle: 0
Times I’ve been prevented from opening/closing a drawer by my ladle: 18,971
Whenever you introduce someone, put air quotes around their name.
I want you to meet my friend “Ami”
When I first went on the pill, I put on a bit of weight. Which proved to be a very effective contraceptive.
[guy who’s about to invent politics]
*getting along with everyone* this just won’t do
[holding ur new baby]
Bet I could beat him in Street Fighter
Going to be the corpse found at the lowest elevation of Everest ever, like by the parking lot
Me: Alexa, when will computers become self-aware?
Alexa: When will YOU become self-aware?
M: *gazing out a window, crying* good one, Alexa
Date: I’m not into public displays of affection
Me (trying to impress): I FIND THIS MAN GROTESQUE
<–Goes to gym 3 times a week… Cannot separate two shopping carts stuck together at grocery store.
My phone keeps sending me a message telling me moisture has been detected in my usb port, I think it might be flirting with me
18: Thanks for the nuggets.
Me: I didn’t buy you nuggets.
18: Well 19 said she didn’t either, so how did the get in my room? Someone could have broken in.
Me: Yes and left you a 20 piece with ranch, that has been happening a lot on this street.
I always wink at the local Funeral Director, because he will be the last one to see me naked, and I don’t want it to be awkward.
Cop: “We’ll catch the guy who murdered your husband.”
Tina: “My husband was murdered?!”
Cop: “Shit! Sorry… I have some bad news…”
Wife: I swear, I’m gonna kill my boss
Me: please don’t; it’ll get better
Wife: aww, thanks for the suppo-
Me: *interupting* no way you’re making me a single dad of 2 while you just chill in prison
My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed
“i miss shittin on people”
“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight.” — The Swiss Army
No thanks, babies. If I’m going to let something inside of my body that’s going to destroy my figure, it’ll be cheese, bread and booze.
“There’s approximately a 50% chance there will be weather today.”
-meteorologists
Me: I am so tired and sad all the time.
Brain: Have you tried eating a lot of pasta, like A LOT?
[22 minutes later]
Me: That didn’t help at all and now I feel sick
Brain: Hm weird. Try again in like half an hour.
Great books in 140. The Great Gatsby. In 1922 a mysterious millionaire is obsessed with a now married former girlfriend and has to be shot.
Police:Is there anything you can tell us about your attacker.
Me:He was much better at fighting than me.
Police:Ok is there anything else?
While I was relaxing having my wine my toddler threw a piece of cheese straight at my face and said, “gotcha.”
Someone just said the secret to getting ripped is no sugar, gluten, or carbs
Sounds like I’m eating water and air today
Once in a while I post a subtweet. I hope you’re reading this Susan. I want my Gameboy back. Bitch.
*arranges romantic candlelit table with two chairs*
*sits in one chair, puts feet up in other*
*sips wine*
@Ivsy01 Your tweets are so awesome, we had to make a page for you in our site!
Couple: [hands me camera] Do you mind taking a picture?
“Sure”[click]
Couple: How does it look?
“I just got my hair done, so pretty good”