*leaves toilet seat up at hotel*
[phone buzzes: text from wife]
*slowly puts toilet seat down*
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I shall have another coffee for I am sleeping standing
~mattress store
ME:i need to use the intercom
CASHIER:no
M:this time for real…my kid’s lost
C:
M:
C:fine
M:*to entire store*I SEE BED PEOPLE
All of my best ideas involve jail time.
Oh you’re a ceiling fan? Name 3 times I let you collect too much dust and should have cleaned you
[dog park]
Dog: omg I just found out I’m adopted
Other Dogs: [barking in shock]
If you can moonwalk out of a police station without bumping into anything they have to drop all charges.
spouse: what are you doing
me: i’m writing a pilot
spouse: oh that’s so cool 🙂
me: thanks *starts typing* dear han, so who really shot first?
Shouldn’t it be spelled “Ciclops” with one i?
William: where have you all been
Kate: omg William there’s a winter forest in the coat closet
If you call me daddy during sex you’re getting sent home to eat your vegetables.
I saw a guy pushing a stroller with a kayak balanced on top, like he had traded the baby for it. And clearly he hadn’t planned this. He didn’t have the car with him, so it must have been a spur of the moment baby trade. Some amazing kayak salesman was willing to make a deal.
[About to have sex]
Girl: Do you have a condom?Me: Yeah
*bird screaching*
Girl: I said condom not condor
Me: *taking condom from bird’s beak* Good boy Rory.
Girl:
Me: Don’t you feel stupid now?
My personal brand is being the guest at a wedding who can’t dance but puts in a noticeable effort.
People who argue on their cell phones in public should have to do it on speakerphone so the rest of us can get both sides
God: You get all the animals in?
Noah: Yeah except for the chameleons, they creep me out
*The walls turn red and start hissing*
Noah: Oh no
awesome that january is over but rude that our reward for getting through january is… february
Your “poetic” tweets would be so much better if Adele hadn’t thought of them first
I’ve joined a 12 step program.
Six to the fridge. Six back to the couch.
They should put a statue of me next to the Statue of Liberty so immigrants know the American Dream is hit or miss.
[Looks up from Rubik’s Cube] It’s two thousand and what now??
If anyone ever needs you to explain the difference between Americans and Brits, just send them this.
me: what kind of dog is that?
him: husky
me: sorry, *deep raspy voice* what kind of dog is that?
millipede mobster [raising guns]: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND
Bill Nye is short for William New Year’s Eve
[1st date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Her: “I’m a Herpetologist.”
Me: “Great! [pulls pants down] How bad is this?”
Dating: Your eyes hypnotize me
Married: Your eye rolls hypnotize me
Officer: Cause of death?
Me: Well it all started innocently..
I need a thingy to fix the thingy because the thingy came loose and the thingy is wiggly now. Do you sell those?
-Me, at Home Depot
My 4yo thinks the ice cream truck is “just a music truck.”
NO ONE TELL HER
Roommate stood in line at midnight to get the new Grand Theft Auto. While he was waiting, someone stole his car. Irony is the best game!