I have felt uncomfortable before. But we were just passed by a slow moving hearse and funeral cars… My son is dressed as the grim reaper.
He f**ng waved.
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I can work well with others OR pass a drugs test. I can’t do both.
Read my skeleton’s diary today. Anyone know what “loathsome flesh blanket” means?
If you hold a cat by the tail you learn things you cannot learn any other way.
I’ve been putting my sunglasses on and walking away from things in slow motion all day, nothing has exploded yet.
Don’t get why guys complain about “sleeping on the couch”
I pay good money to sleep on the couch, but I wish the shrink would shut up.
handy interview tip: wear a Harvard sweatshirt to show your potential employer that you are educated about quality sweatshirts
If you spin an oriental person around until they get dizzy, do they become disoriented? #LifeQuestions
I ate the last Hot Pocket and left the empty box in the freezer. I think it’s time my kids learn how that shit feels
Wow, pretty rude for people to exist that are younger & hotter than me but OK
You know when you use hedge trimmers but can quite get the line straight so keep cutting more and more till there’s not a lot left?
Anyway, 10 now has a short haircut
Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.
Grown men who drink hot chocolate in coffee shops.
Who hurt you?
Tide Pods need a little seasoning?
Sprinkle some bath salts on top.
I’m dying!! A bear cub went and ate my aunt’s pies today of ALL DAYS!!! 🤣🤣
Single Me- waxes routinely
Married Me- twirls my mustache aggressively when my husband makes me angry
When I say “I’m going to bathroom brb”, my dogs hear “gather up, it’s showtime!”
*cries over spilt milk*
*cries under spilt milk*
*cries adjacent to spilt milk*
*cries immediately to the left of spilt milk*
*cries diagona
It’s entirely possible the recipe didn’t say burn it on the outside, undercook it on the inside and aim for a large dip in the middle but here we are
Zookeeper: Sir, please leave the hippo enclosure.
Me: No. This is my family now.
ZK: They don’t actually eat marbles.
Me: I’m coming out.
Mother of God, the man solved unsolvable crimes for eight straight seasons. When he says he has a hunch, believe him the first time.
More foods should have boats, why should gravy have all the fun?
My walk of shame is putting back the 9 boxes of assorted cereals that my wife found in the grocery cart.
A game of cat and mouse, but it’s just me chasing random strangers when I see them with donut boxes.
I don’t want to speculate about the royal baby’s name, but I’m pretty sure it will start with #.
Thinking outside the box.. 😅
I hate when someone sneaks up in front of you when you’re scrolling on your phone
Double standard – bear breaks into girl’s house, bear gets shot. Girl breaks into bear’s house, we write a children’s story about it.
My friend of mine likes to name her cars. She jokingly named her car after me. As soon as she did it started leaking oil and backfiring.
I am not shocked.
WebMD: You have cancer.
Me: No, I feel fine. I clicked you by mistake.
WebMD: And good thing you did… Cuz of the cancer.
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!