Me *has read one book all year*
Me *going on a trip for a week* better download 15 books
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My kids practically have medical degrees they’re at the nurse so much.
My 8yo isn’t concerned about Covid-19 because she can, as she puts it:
Survive in harsh conditions.
She’s never even been been camping.
Fried potatoes
Mashed potatoes
Baked potatoes
Twice baked potatoes
Potato chips-if Bubba grew up on a potato farm instead of a shrimp boat
[group therapy]
IAN: Hi. I’m Ian. I’m racist
[others nod]
ME: Hi. I’m Mat. I use landscape keyboard on my phone
[screaming]
[Ian pukes]
Nothing sucks more than a Monday.
Daylight Savings Time: Oh hey guys!
4: Mommy, I need a snack
Me: Perfect timing! I was just going to make you a hot dog for dinner!
4: No. I don’t want dinner. I want a snackkkkk.
Me: How about a hot dog as a snack?
4:…. YESSSS
The problem with Chinese food is an hour later you feel like hacking the Pentagon again.
i think my idea of romance stems from 1957, when men were men and women leaned seductively against juke boxes
Distance doesn’t matter.
You can make someone miserable from anywhere.
Dove: Dad, what’s my name mean?
Me: It’s the symbol for love
Swallow: What about mine?
Me: Umm, true love.
4: Mommy, where do babies come from?
Me: Well, sweetie, when two people tolerate each other very much…
Just saw my kid throw the handsoap away with some left in the bottom because the straw didn’t reach the soap anymore. Um, you add water to that shit and keep going. This ain’t the Ritz.
This day in history. 1965. The Who’s equipment van was stolen while they were inside the Battersea Dogs Home choosing a dog to guard their van.
At some point, a guy looked at an onion that was clearly purple & called it red. AND WE’RE JUST SITTING HERE LETTING IT HAPPEN.
Customers love saying “I’ll have one of these” while pointing at a sign I can’t see.
Him: So are you into horseback riding or mountain biking? Me: I usually like to drive myself but sometimes I take uber.
WIFE: no no no I loved your vows I just thought you could’ve used the word ‘bloodthirsty’ a little less
I like to go the extra mile and then not come back.
gm
I just cleaned the house and took a picture so that in 15 minutes I can remember how nice it looked.
People that still call into radio stations are probably doing it from house phones.
I was up all night reading about insomnia
John Denver: Almost heaven-
Me: Wow the place he’s singing about must be amazing
John Denver: -West Virginia
Me: Ok
[interview]
BOSS: So I see you majored in communication?
ME: No…miscommunication
BOSS: Your resume clearly says communication
ME: See?
Yes, I have been awake since 5am. Just not a “productive member of society” level of awake. For that you need to wait until about 11:30am when I will wash up 5 mugs & send an email. Then I’ll get hungry & we’re back to square one.
I worry about people who write “taken” in their bios.
Where did they go?
Who took them?
Why aren’t we helping to find them?
Seriously, if you go to Central or South America to visit ancient ruins and you don’t dress as Indiana Jones, what’s even the point? Bonus points if you can get the whip through customs.
Wife: I just want a honest opinion of my outfit
Me *signing her up to a rap battle* and you’ll get one
Sometimes you’re Godzilla, sometimes you’re Tokyo