I know it’s dying but it’s difficult for me to let go of this app. I met my wife through Twitter. Who knows what other wives I could meet? Maybe even my second wife.
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I was told flattery would get you everywhere but the bank manager in charge of this vault does not agree.
dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a carburetor?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patri- oh
[calls my boss one week after getting fired] what was my mouse sensitivity set to
You ever released wind at the bank and accidentally deposited loose change?
Shipwreck diary, Day 32,567: So, turns out I’m immortal.
It’s only Cloud Computing if it originates in the Saint-Cloud region of France.
Otherwise, it’s just sparkling servers-in-a-warehouse.
DENTIST: Have you been flossing?
ME: Have you been flossing?
DENTIST: *sweating* This isn’t about me.
My husband let me sleep in late and then made me pancakes.
Someone please let Dateline know my death was absolutely premeditated.
been a while since anyone declared a thumb war, peace has made us all soft.
Day 1: Brad wears no pants
Day 2: Brad wears no pants
Day 3: Brad wears no pants
…
…This is just a bottomless Pitt
Me: *In kitchen loudly eating carrots.
Dog: *Asleep in bedroom
Me: *In pantry, munching on Oreos.
Dog: *Loudly snoring in bedroom
Me: *Opens fridge, looks at steak.
Dog: *Already sitting expectantly next to me.
trump is putting everyone who works at goldman sachs in the government so that there’s no one left to run GS and they go out of business
The struggle is real.
extremely rude of the target self-checkout camera to show me exactly what i look like
the buddha: *on twitter* how dreadful. the karmic damage from this will greatly prolong your suffering in the cycle of rebirth
me: a lot of people are saying that
If Home Depot doesn’t want me doing body rolls in the lumber aisle then they shouldn’t be playing Gloria Estefan.
Ok, but like, how married are you?
Can you imagine the abject horror I experienced when I saw the groom pull out a guitar and tell us he was about to hold a sermon?
very demi lovato saying their favorite dish is a mug because it can hold hot liquids
I still use my laptop to tweet. Also, I ride my horse through the shire to get to the blacksmith.
friend: how did the neck surgery go?
me: i honestly haven’t looked back since.
[First date]
HER: I want a man who is intensely passionate when he sees something he wants
ME: PASS THE FREAKING SALT
ladies, imagine this: its 15 years from now. u did it. your time machine worked
Careful, it’s hot. *ladles steaming clam chowder into your kid’s trick or treat bag*
I’ve never been introduced before entering a room unless you count “Shh, here she comes!”
Causes of childhood anxiety:
4% Bullying
9% Inability to puncture a Capri Sun pouch
87% Musical Chairs
My computer beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
My 6yo’s homework today is learning how to count backwards.
Yep that teacher knows about DUIs alright!
I love Trader Joe’s but really wish they had parking lots instead of parking littles