Me: If you take them out of their natural habitat they seek revenge by burning your tounge
Sis:
M:
S: That’s a pizza roll. You’re high
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This oxygen mask is bullshit. I don’t look like oxygen at all.
KIDNAPPER: Get in the trunk
ME: You’re abducting me 4 days before Christmas?
K: Heh yep
ME: Omg thank you
K: What
ME: I’m all yours
K: Wait
me: want the stick
dog: not really
me: fetch the stick
dog: why would I do that
me: fetch it boy
dog: that seems pointless
me: [throws stick]
dog: oh cool now neither of us has a stick
if i die from eating a tide pod, please bury me in the traditional fashion:
warm/cold water
15 mins extra soak
permanent press cottons
ME: do dogs think we have three mouths because we pick stuff up with our hands?
VET: where exactly is your dog
ME: he’s uh coming later
Well. That’s not a good sign.
*lost in China*
Friend: ask that man where we areMe [pretending to speak Chinese with a local]: xian chan sēn
F: well?
Me: we’re in China
If you’re having money problems, don’t get discouraged. Two years ago I filed for bankruptcy and now I live in a tent in my uncle’s backyard
I think the reason giraffes don’t ride in hot air balloons is that their faces would probably get fried off in that flame thing.
When parents say to kids “go to ur room & think about what you’ve done” it’s really good practice for what you’ll do every night as an adult
Interviewer: It says here on your resume you can make chicks laugh, how?
Me [holding a chick in my hand & tickling it]: I’m a miracle worker
I like the sound of thunder because there’s always a tiny little chance that my ex will be struck by lightning
inventing words: clothing
Someone at the grocery store yelled “space” dramatically, and I responded with “the final frontier,’ and now I need a new grocery store.
If we can put a satellite in orbit around a comet 4 billion miles away, perhaps someday we can put a working wireless printer in my office.
Dolly Parton wrote “Jolene” and “I Will Always Love You” on the same day and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.
I’m not gullible enough to be lured into a cult but I am nosy enough
[flies trespassing in my house] release the frogs.
Have we established if Joe has a legitimate medical condition with this “cotton eye”?Are we dancing our asses off to diseases,like assholes?
Got my twins a bunk bed so now I can worry about two kids falling at once.
“Shake your money maker”
Me: *bangs head repeatedly against the desk*
First date idea: we list fictional characters that we would both punch in the face
Priest: I want to teach you about a higher power
Kid: my dad?
Priest: haha no, even more powerful
Kid *nodding* mom
Last time I went to confession, the priest made me pause so he could open the urban dictionary on his phone.
Me: they’re called in-laws because the law still applies if you do something to them right
Guy on subway: what
Me: what
INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: shape shifting
INTERVIEWER: is that so?
INTERVIEWER: yes
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
No, of course I’m not mad.
It’s fine.
*goes home, starts building a Death Star.
If you eat a pregnant girls food, you’re required to have the baby for her
Hand 2 toddlers a poisoned cookie and tell them not to eat it, then leave for a day. Some would call that stupid. The Bible calls it Genesis
I saw a woman using a pay phone today and that probably means she’s from the future & trying to blend in but she got the year wrong, right?