Imagine being a Cicada you been waiting 17 years for your one chance to have sex then some weirdo freakazoid fries you in butter and serves you with a side of ranch.
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6yo: “Mom, I’m excited that it’s my first eclipse, but I’m sad that it’s your last.” 💀
[my funeral]
sister: did you know about this?
mom: [watching my pallbearers dressed like the ninja turtles carry my casket] it’s what he wanted
At first I was decayed, I was putrefied,
Kept thinking I could never live without formaldehyde…
if you went to a thousand costume parties you would never see anything greater than this
person on twitter: I’m being attacked right now!
me (played a lot of Age of Empires 2 in my formative years): im sending you some crossbowmen
Wait. They gave out a Pulitzer Prize for criticism, and my mother didn’t win it?
Bad enough that literally no one showed up for my Super Bowl party today, but now I can’t even find the game on tv to watch.
Invention idea:
Written versions of audio books.
6yo has two pregnant Barbies and one Ken doll. You could cut the tension in the Barbie camper with a tiny stiletto.
Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about eating children.
My husband slowed down the car so he could check out someone’s well-manicured lawn. You see what I have to compete with?
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
ME: I will have 4 blueberry muffins for dinner please
DUNKIN DONUTS CASHIER: Please do not tell us that you’re having them for dinner
People on social media will threaten murder in the comment section of a cake recipe.
Dogs are lucky because no one cares when they bite people who antagonize them. Even after a warning, people still freak out when I do it.
Words can not even begin to describe your beauty and how much I need to borrow your car.
Just shoveled for 30 minutes so the pizza guy could deliver my food
Priorities
Woke up to 5:15am phone reminder telling me I need to set my alarm for 8am. Thanks last night drunk self. This is why we don’t have friends.
I just broke a mirror disco ball, I’m not looking forward to my 5,600 years of bad luck
Police: THIS IS THE POLICE! OPEN YOUR DOOR NOW!!!!!!
Me: Not with that attitude.
50% of parenting is saying “we’ve got food at home.”
[sharing a cold one with the fellas] It’s my turn to hold the penguin
I hugged my husband when he got home from work and he seemed nervous. I knew something was off. The scent on his shirt smelled familiar then it hit me he cheated on me with my favorite restaurant. He smelled like shame and garlic bread.
“What’s funny?”
The microwave beeping as you walked backwards.
“Why’s that funny?”
Because large objects beep going in reverse, Diane.
Y’all are gonna lose your minds when Donald Trump eats a Snickers and turns into Bernie Sanders.
Mosquito’s are like dirty used needles, that can fly.
Time for my annual harsh but true fitness assessment in the Target fitting room 🙁
Daughter (5): “Daddy your tummy is big and bouncy just like our trampoline”
Me: “Well you’re short and can’t spell chrysanthemum”
[at a dinner party]
Me: hey can I get a picture of the table?
Everyone: *leans in, faces me, smiles*
Me: you’re all blocking the table