WIFE: *spells out words so the kids won’t know what she is saying*
ME: [to the kids] I don’t know either.
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I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy watching him clean his golf clubs with the wire brush I use for my suede boots.
Me, pointing at your baby: Hey, your potato just barked at me
sorry but how is it “unclear” how many horses are loose, kicking about town rn? surely they know how many horses they started with and how many they currently have? seems like a fairly simple subtraction situation to me
Stop earbuds from tangling by putting them on then carefully stapling them to your body.
Who’s ready for music?
Not you.
You have tetanus
The fact that Zillow isn’t a pillow company is a goddamn tragedy, it’s a pillow plus zzz!
I always carry a megaphone in my purse, in case I wander off and get lost at Costco.
[loud crashes]
Me: What was that?
4-year-old: Nothing.
Me:
4:
Me: OK.
Parenting is easier than it looks.
The Chipotle I went to apologized for not having any lettuce today. I said “It’s cute that you think I’m here for that.”
Those three magic words,
-You can have my taco.Ps. Shut it, maths police.
went to kiss a girl last night and her eyes rolled back and her head floated off her shoulders body burst into flames i am a bad kisser
*calls child protective services*
PROTECTIVE SERVICES: Why would you name me this, mom?
Thought I saw a brownie walk by but it was just my dog. Other than that, diet is going well.
The older you get the farther away your toenails are when they need a trim
*accidentally grabs a fork from the silverware drawer instead of a spoon but I’m too lazy to go back so it takes me 47 min. to eat my soup*
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
15: Geez. You make me never want to have a girlfriend.
Me: Joke’s on you, bud, I make a lot of men decide they don’t want a girlfriend.
This is the tale of Callie who started a service to provide fortune telling and hypnotism while driving people around. As time went on her clairvoyance weakened but her suggestive power grew.
She’s…..
Uber Callie fragile mystic expert at hypnosis
I hope my neighbors follow me on Twitter cause their car’s lights are on.
I consider myself a loyal person but not dog of a homeless guy loyal…
You’re doing a 30 day cleanse? How dirty are you?
The 9-year-old in me thinks life is all about fun. But then I think, how long is it gonna take to digest this kid? I’m a huge python, btw.
“The only difference between heterosexual and homosexual sex is which hole you stick it in.”
~my mother after a few drinks
My kid said “don’t look at me,” and now it’s like my eyes are glued to her face and I can’t look anywhere else.
People will say they don’t want to be lied to and then read fiction. Bro, pick a lane.
My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimpleMy fingers: so we did a thing
Just saw a guy sitting with a Blackberry and a newspaper. I think he was waiting for a horse.
How to Be Good At Twitter
1. don’t be
2. don’t have that be your goal
3. aim higher
4. seriously, go outside or something
ME: *singing* ’cause we are living in an ethereal world and I am an ethereal girl you know that we are
ST PETER: *pulling trapdoor lever* Nope
the only moral choice in d&d is to play a druid and wildshape into a giant goat every day, travelling the towns with your rich goat milk like a medieval ice cream truck
Controlling my life lately has been like trying to fit an alligator for a retainer.