17 year-old Malia Obama playing beer pong is the most outrageous thing the child of a president has done since George W. Bush invaded Iraq
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my mothers motherly urge to make sure you are eating no matter how full you are
and then suggest you lose weight
I was taught to look both ways and only step into the crosswalk when a luxury car is approaching.
Note to self: Remove “Does anyone else know you’re here?” from list of first date small talk questions.
[guy about to invent monopoly]
*looking at friends* i have too many of these
Huh, this is a first
Never had an ambulance follow me to the gym before
They must know
Me: … No worries!
Narrator: There were, in fact, many worries.
I just read that if you eat a slice of bread first thing in the morning and one last thing at night, everything you eat in between makes it a sandwich
teenager doing court order community service picking up trash in a ditch: *pokes my body with a stick*
me: *wakes up* oh hey jake is it Tuesday again already?
“Rotisserie chicken” should be a size for fanny packs.
I watched squirrels for like an hour and thought “they don’t do ANYTHING really” and then realized I watched squirrels for like an hour
“Can I speak to your manager please?”
“I AM the manager”
Who even thought of soup? Were they like, you know what this perfectly good meal needs? Water.
I know a bad idea when I see one.
Will I ever see the word “antipasta” on a menu and not think on dumb reflex “wow, pasta’s nemesis”
Everyone else could have their eyes shut, runny noses and food in their teeth but if I look thin, it’s a GREAT group photo.
My last remaining brain cells uniting as I try to help my 8 yr old with their math
[doctors]
“How long have I got?”
“Not long. Two, three months”
[casually places apple on desk]
“Ok, ok, six. Just get that out of here!”
Drunk stranger: my kids drive me to drink.
Me, having to drive myself places: *whispers* lucky.
Dude yelled “Fight me like a man” at me, so I held him down and marginalized him for a thousand years.
“Punch it bro, the lights gray.”
Me: I just want to meet someone like me. Someone interesting.
Them: well which is it?
*Extremely unpredictable killing machine is discovered*
Every bad guy in an action movie: We should CONTROL it and WEAPONIZE it
JOB REQUIREMENTS: Must have a college degree. Must have 5 years experience. Must have volunteered as tribute and won the 74th Hunger Games.
Amuse yourself at dinner parties by stealing one of their forks and replacing it with one of your own
getting into an accident in GTA and making my character get out of the car to exchange insurance information with the other driver
You know the jack in a box that scared the life out of you when you were a child? That’s me as an adult cooking with my smoke detector
Parenting is all about multitasking. Like trying to brush your teeth while you’re rock climbing.
Humidity is like heat if it suspected you were about to break up with it.
Waiting for the Charmin