People in Jersey say “you’re welcome” not to be polite but to remind people to say thank you.
You Might Also Like
My 6yo daughter is chasing her 2yo sister with a baby doll, calling “mommy mommy,” and my 2yo is running away from her and yelling “I HAVE TO WORK!”
[dog park meeting]
dog: we have confirmed reports that they’re hiding pills from us…
[low growls]
dog: IN THE CHEESE
[outraged barking]
Nothing is worse than seeing a gorgeous girl that I’d never approach or stand a chance with and then finding out she has a boyfriend
CLOSE THE DOOR, YOU’RE LETTING ALL THE WIFI OUT
Putting on the ‘Best of Owl City’ playlist when I want to kill three and a half minutes.
I imagine dinner would almost be cooked by now if I’d remembered to put it in the oven
– a memoir
COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: are u carrying any drugs
ME: [a mousetrap is in my pocket] i don’t remember but i do consent to a search
[waking up in a ice-filled bathtub with a fresh wound across my abdomen] oh Jesus God no, somebody took my wolves
It started with a star and ended with a restraining order.
[at the park]
SON: dad dad what’s that in the sky?! (points at helicopter)ME: (forgetting the word helicopter) that son is……a blenderplane
Impress them on your first date by showing up in a shirt with their face on it.
(Sigh) I thought “The Scarlet Letter” was a book about red stationery….
Do the makers of Pringles know how big hands are?
The fact that my predictive text suggests a potato after I type morning instead of a heart is really all you need to know about me
10-year-old: Did you learn cursive in school?
Me: I sure did.
10: Did you have electricity?
We learned by candlelight.
Well, son, when a man loves a woman very much he expresses that love by slowly transforming into a human sloth.
Every photo I’m tagged in
Gonna get a job at Starbucks and write “Chad” on every cup.
Therapist: So why are you guys here?
Me: I feel like we are having communication problems.
Him: This is our first date?
My kid handed me a tooth tonight and said “that’ll be $5” so I guess we’re done with the tooth fairy
I had to send a small item back to Amazon, so I put it in a refrigerator sized box and sent it on its way
*Being murdered in bed*
Me: CAN YOU JUST TRY NOT TO DISARRANGE THE THROW PILLOWS??
ok, i’m calling bullshit on Ariel singing underwater
The news in a nutshell.
Her: I like how you did your hair today. Me: OMG thank you, I passed out in my closet last night.
media: how to watch tonight’s super blue moon
me: look up at the sky???
[standing outside the office with all the other smokers, I take out my cigar case, remove a hotdog and place it in my mouth] I’m trying to quit but it’s soooo hard
[Boiling in a pot]
Boy lobster: AAAAGGGGHHH!!
Girl lobster: I’m cold
I order so much Chinese food the delivery guy must think I’m a middle aged divorced homicide detective in an 80s movie.