When I die and doctors perform an autopsy, they’ll probably find twenty pounds of stickers off of fruit in my intestines
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i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
My clothes don’t fit anymore.
There’s only one possibly explanation.
America is shrinking my clothes.
If a demon ever tried to possess me my first thought would be: enjoy that debilitating anxiety my dude.
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
Checkboxes dating apps /should/ have:
🔲 Willing to sneak snacks into movies
🔲 Good at building blanket forts
🔲 Only sets volume, temp etc. to EVEN numbers
🔲 toilet paper roll goes OVER
🔲 I don’t think the position of the stars when I was born determined my personality
I’m not an alcoholic, alcoholics go to meetings. I’m a drunk, we go to parties.
Walmart’s hair salon doesn’t charge extra to cut a live bat out of your hair.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘monosyllabic’
“Can you describe it in a sentence?”
Yes
me: “i taught this chimp to say words”
chimp: “nice haircut”
reporter: “oh my god.. does he know anything else?”
me: “sarcasm apparently”
[party]
me: i think my gf is mad at me
friend: yeah dude i saw her making out with some guy in the kitchen
me: did she look mad?
Santa said I can’t have a pool boy ‘til I get a pool. Foiled again.
1 PM: I can’t wait to go to bed
1 AM: I should reorganize the garage
I’m not saying I hate you but if you
were on fire I’d bring sticks and marshmallows.
Hi..You’ve reached my voicemail. I could come to the phone right now but I saw your name on caller ID so leave a message..or not.
Kids: Can we have cookies for breakfast?
Wife: Absolutely not.
Kids: Then why is he eating cookies for breakfast?
Me [mouth full of Oreos]: BECUFF IM AN ADULTF
Sex Ed should require them to listen to a crying baby for 5 hours, and to watch the same episode of a cartoon over and over again.
PRINCESS PEACH: oh Mario I have terrible news
MARIO: what is it
PRINCESS PEACH: Luigi is dead!
MARIO: who?
PRINCESS PEACH: *sighs and pinches bridge of her nose* green you is dead
MARIO: oh no!
[watching Friends]
NIECE: I love this show
ME: aw I loved it when I was ten too *ruffles her hair* you are gonna have such unrealistic expectations for how close your adult friendships will be
My lifetime taco-to-salad ratio is 16413 to 1.
millennials aren’t having kids because no one’s made lo-fi hip-hop beats to yell at your kids to
10yo: How do you make a math book happy?
Me: IDK. How?
10yo: Solve the problems.
Someone give her a Dad Card. She’s ready.
A girl started to drink barbecue sauce like it was water and I just stood there and watched because I haven’t been trained for this
AC changed “self-love” to “seldom love.” So my phone and I are now in couples therapy.
[first date]
“Tell me two interesting things about yourself”
well I lie when I’m nervous…
“ok…”
and I invented oatmeal
“Speed” remake with Scarlett Johansson as the bus
I’ve purchased a longer telephone cord so that I can remain on Neighborhood Watch and still talk to Fran.
“Did you get that thing done I asked you for?”
I wouldn’t say I “missed” your call.
I text him the eggplant emoji along with “I would like this tonight” (because I’m planning dinner) and I have never seen a man so excited for vegetables.
Not to brag, but a top modeling agency just offered me a job as a “before” model.