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Shoutout to my dog for ensuring we can enjoy the crunchy, colourful autumn leaves inside the house too
Ladies, if he:
– only wants to hang out when he’s drunk
– never brings you around his friends
– fingers on his head
– no legs or feet
– always trying to sell you pastaHe’s not your man. He’s the hamburger helper glove
[creation]
GOD: Gather round creatures & I’ll tell you what you’ll eat
ANTEATER: I’m SO excited!
DUNG BEETLE: I got a bad feeling about this
My daughter says she’s not mad at me but she did just hug her dad and tell him, “I love you more than anyone” without breaking eye contact with me.
“Have kids,” they said.
Autocorrect changed ‘lover’ to ‘liver’ and that’s ok because I need one of those too.
ME: Yeah, I’ve heard that movie.
FRIEND: You mean ‘seen’ that movie.
ME: Ha ha. No! I’m on twitter. I haven’t seen a movie in 3 years.
Sometimes when the hubs isn’t motivated to do yard work I’ll lie and say guests are arriving soon…my man’s hidin behind a mower in no time
What do electric cars and diarrhea have in common.
The fear of not making it home.
#RubbishJokes
#WednesdayThought
[during sex]
Him: are you on your phone?
Me: it’s called live tweeting maybe you’ve heard of it
It’s like you don’t even WANT me to break into your house and cook you a delicious breakfast.
Nerds were always ugly or goofy looking. Then from nowhere emerged the hot girl nerd and the limitations of Nerdom crumpled before our eyes.
The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.
Just once, I want someone to look at me and say, “That’s her. She’s the one”
And not follow it with “who ate cake out of the garbage”
“Today’s special is a grilled Chilean sea bass with white wine reduction. We recommend Instagramming it with the 1977 or Apollo filters…”
My boss said I couldn’t bring my dog into the office so I had to tie him to a tree outside. He’s not happy about it but it’s cool being in the office with my dog.
Back from my bike ride and I feel fit as a fiddle … the fiddle, ya know, that most athletic of instruments…
Microwaving fish is an office faux pas. I roast mine over an open flame in the bathroom
We have to buy a new toaster because my son tried using the icing packet from his toaster strudel as a potholder to protect his fingers and dropped it in the toaster, where it melted and oozed icing all over.
But in his defense, it didn’t say not to do that on the box.
Guys in motorcycle clubs should have to go door to door like Mormon missionaries.
I don’t really wanna join but I’d like to be asked
SNAKE: im gonna bite you
SNAKE CHARMER: u are so sexy
S: wha-
SC: *presses finger to lips* still wana bite me?
S: *blushes* well not anymore
husband: aren’t you excited?
me:
husband: today is the last day of your life without a PS5
My conscience is clean.
Alcohol is technically a solvent.
I’m invited to a wedding this weekend.
I have two days to come up with a disease or cut off a finger.
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: ok
ME: APRIL FOOL’S
I believe that growing up watching Porky Pig cartoons have contributed to my lack of pants.
wife, giving birth: we have got to get to the hospital ASAP
me: who’s all gonna be there
Fingers crossed that Cupid hits me in the carotid artery.
Most people think Johnson was the brains behind Johnson & Johnson. But they’re wrong. It was Johnson.
Me: *wearing white shirt*
Every food in the universe: GET HIM!
Browsing Prime this morning and clicked “Sort by Price: High to Low” like my life is some sort of rap video.