Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…
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Toasters are just Jack in the Boxes for adults.
To be honest, I’m annoyed that my 5th grade curriculum didn’t include a ‘Defense against the dark arts’ class.
OoOcH sTePpInG oN LeGoS iS tHe WoRsT!
-person who has crawled and taken a Lego to the knee
Me. I’m the person.
Me: If you want to be a Jedi, you have to follow strict rules.
Rey: Like what?
Me: Don’t hook up with anyone. They might be related.
18 years old: let’s eat pizza at 1am and feel amazing
40 years old: I ate a chicken sandwich at 9pm and had heartburn for two days
I just realized that I’m using a new phone that has never been dropped. How coo
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
A man just shouted at me until I answered his questionnaire on christianity. He scared the b) Jesus out of me.
“Actually I have a lot of secs” is apparently not the right answer to “Do you have a sec?”
Outfit choices
Work: jeans & a t-shirt
Hanging out: jeans & a t-shirt
Special event: jeans & a t-shirt
Stalking your ex: jeans & a t-shirt
Having a nice lunch: jeans & a t-shirt
Doctor appt: khakis & a nice shirt so you appear to have it together
Coworker: What’s twitter like?
Me: The door handle is broken and the maid is drunk.
Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
If vampires drink too much blood do they get a fangover *throws phone in a lake
*lights dim in restaurant*
DATE: did it just become sexier in here?
ME: I CAN’T SEE MY MENU
When I’m done eating… I have to show my hands to my cat like I’m a blackjack dealer
Tuesday be like “My name is Tuesday and I am not Monday in disguise”.
Green Shell Koopa Dad: If your friends jumped off a bridge, would you?
Red Shell Koopa Son: No
Dad: This is the problem with your generation
Me: god you’re sexy
Her (sultry whisper): I’ll bet you say that to all the women
Me (sultry whisper): not my mom
That scene where Scar kills Mufasa only it’s me to the crumbs on my shirt
I’m great at coloring eggs. Every morning I turn them black.
Tried to make jokes on this plane about the other passengers’ carryon bags, but they went over their heads
bumping into a hot professor in the hallway and dropping my folder full of printed out pictures of the Green M&M
Cashier: How are you today?
Me: You too.
🤦🏻♂️
Patiently waiting for the spooky season like:
Gets 5 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired
Gets 8 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired and I’m late for work
FRIEND: it’s saturday! you know what that means…
ME: hell yeah baby *secretly googles what does saturday mean*
Writers of crime show blurbs are lazy. “She was missing and then her case took a shocking turn.”
It’s not shocking. I’m watching a show with murder in the title. I’d be shocked if she grew a third arm and joined the circus, but I’m fairly confident I know what’s up.
Cop: *with my license* says here you’re supposed to wear glasses
Me: I have contacts
Cop: I don’t care who you know, put your glasses on