Me to alien:
I, too, try to live among people undetected
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Never eat the free guacamole at a sushi restaurant. It’s always waaay too spicy and doesn’t taste anything like avocados.
Villain: We meet again, Mr. Bond
Bond: You don’t remember my 1st name do you
Villain: Sure I do. It’s uh..
Bond: C’mon this is our 3rd fight
Me [seeing they want to give teachers guns because there are guns in schools]: There are also drugs in schools.
Quote of the Day: “Life is but thought.” – Sara Teasdale
I tried a non-alcoholic beer last night and I think I have discovered what my favorite ingredient in beer is.
“I bet you’re beautiful on the inside.”—a sensitive guy
“I bet your insides are beautiful.”—a serial killer
When everyone is getting off the zoom call but you’re struggling to find the leave meeting button so then it’s just you and the host
How long do you wait before you introduce your girlfriend to your child? For arguments sake let’s say you’ve been dating for 3 years and the child is 6 weeks old.
My husband doesn’t find it nearly as amusing as I do, when I read all your tweets out loud to him. For 2 hours.
Douche.
Me: eugh! What have you done to this food?
Them: That’s called flavour
Me, a Brit: Well, I dont like it
It’s amazing how many errands I’m willing to run when family is in town. No, no you relax. I’ll go.
My next door neighbor has been knocking on my front door for hours.
Does she really think I am going to let her leave?
Sure, 50% of marriages end in divorce and yeah, that’s sad.
But 100% of married people will die, and isn’t that a greater tragedy?
Damn girl are you a bra because ur very supportive but I can’t figure out how to get you off
When your best mate counts as a desk too
To all my friends who lost weight- I found it
Americans: Iran and Iraq are countries, not Apple products, so say their names properly.
the worst part of homeschooling is when my kid shoves me into a locker in front of all the cheerleaders
Me: Ah-chooo!
CW: Allergy season! Is there something in here irritating you?
Me: Everyday.
Genie: You get one wish.
Me: I wish I had more twitter followers.
Genie: Done. *vanishes*
*Checks phone*
Genie is now following you.
At his funeral. I lay my hand on your shoulder. I apply pressure, gently, in an attempt to move you from in front of the snack table.
why in the hell am i in my kitchen right now letting this casserole win?
A guy just walked past with fries and said “fries?” and I was like “cool thanks!” and took three and then he was like “no, I work here, did you order the fries?”. I did not order the fries.
Them: ‘Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.’
Twitter: actually, we know a little bit about it.
Me: *makes 120 gazillion meals*
Kids: yuk
Husband: *makes pancakes*
Kids: daddy you’re a much better cook than mummy
Speak now or ever hold your peace
Chef: What kind of bread would you like? We have wheat, rye, white…
Me: Black bread.
Chef: We don’t have that.
Me: Racist.
I carry deodorant in my purse in case I need it or to casually wipe on strangers.
Me: I’m so sorry, my dog ate my homework
Comp Sci Professor: your dog ate your coding assignment?
Me:
Prof:
Me: it took him a couple bytes
Me: what will you trade me for my Soul
Devil: dude I am NOT buying your KIA