If pain is fear leaving the body, what gets the stupid out?
You Might Also Like
sometimes I wonder if it’s possible to be TOO happy, then I remember that it’s not possible to be TOO stoned, so the answer is: banana
You don’t serve tuna do you?
“No sir, we don’t serve fish here”
*A family of tuna in fake mustaches whistles innocently at another table*
If your wife asks “Why don’t you lock the door when you leave for work? Do you WANT something bad to happen to me?” DO NOT pause to think
No one EVER looks surprised when you tell them you cut your own hair.
Told my dog it’s too cold to go for a walk and he just saw one from the window and now I’m a liar.
SON: Daddy, what’s the point of this?
ME: I’m not sure there is one, son, our existence and actions are ultimately futile and meaningless
SON: No, I meant this
ME: Oh that’s a can opener
ME: This is false advertising. I’ve been here an hour and nobody has even touched me. So lonely.
COP: Again, not what a holding cell is for
As Oscar Wilde once said, there’s only one thing worse than being talked about, and that’s being roped in to help a friend move house.
Every animal: how will we see things that are behind us?
God: just turn around
Almost every animal: ok
Owl: I absolutely will not
Neat! according to this Walgreens blood pressure monitor, i should have died in 1998
Me: I’m 29, I’m not that old! I have my whole life ahead of me.
Me around a 20 year old: I am the grim spectre of death. I have seen empires rise and fall like the endless shifting dunes. Time has no meaning.
“This restaurant is so good I came twice,” she says.
“When was the other time you ate here?” he asks.
“Oh, no, this is my first time here.”
Me: Trust me, I’ve got everything under control.
Narrator: lmao you know what I’m ’bout to say..
News: Gas shortage
Me: Haha
News: Chic-fil-a sauce shortage
Me: NO
ME: *telling a joke*
SARA: haha
SARAH: hahah
[Interview]
“Do you have any previous experience dealing with animals?”
[flashback to my flatmate leaving toast crumbs in the butter]
..Yes.
They’ll continuously make Fast & Furious movies until it’s a bunch of old men trying to get out of a grocery store parking lot
If someone calls you a cutie pie, the correct response is “NO U.” Don’t reply with “thanks” who do you think you are
Natty or not?
why would anyone want a baby? it’s just another thing you have to clean
*watching the first MI, Tom Cruise sends a message to max@job 3:14
me: pfft that’s not a valid email address format, no wonder it’s called Mission Impossible
wife:
me: I mean some of the other stuff seems pretty improbable too
[6 AM]
Child: [crying]
Me: WHAT’S WRONG?
Child: My stomach hurts so badly.
Me: Okay you can stay home.[morning bus drives by]
Child: What’s for breakfast?
Being a toddler must be wild. Imagine thinking your own mother is trying to poison you when they give you a homemade vegetable quesadilla then going and eating the dirt out of a potted plant instead.
in my backyard: if I see even one bug I’m going inside
on a hike: I want to pet that bear
Yelling at me for warming towels in the oven is not going to get the fire department here any faster.
1 in 5 mammals is a bat. Re-examine everything you think you know about your “loved ones.”
Are we doing Secret Santa this year? Because I accidentally bought unsalted butter.
You’re the last hot dog on the rollers at 7-11 of people.
20’s: I am invincible!
40’s: I am very vincible