Tik Tok is a national treasure.
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Nothing like waking up on a Friday and finding out it’s Tuesday
Parent pro tip: Beware of the child who cleans their room without being prompted. They are about to ask to borrow money.
Wife [who turns 50 tomorrow]: Tonight is your last chance to have sex with a woman in her 40s.
Me: Is it, though?
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me: I just-
Wife: Blew your last chance, yep.
For $100 I will FaceTime you in scrubs on Thanksgiving and pretend to be your boyfriend that couldn’t make it because he had to work in the hospital
I know yoga isn’t supposed to be competitive but I was definitely breathing harder than the guy next to me in class today
My 4yo just asked me if I was there when we went to Disney 6 weeks ago for 5 days, so I’m obviously making a huge impact in her life.
We’ve got two options: clean and vacuum, or stop wearing our glasses around the house.
What you want every COVID-19 email to be like: Don’t worry! If you’re having trouble paying right now, we understand.
What every COVID-19 email is actually like: Don’t worry! There will always be someone at our call center to take your timely monthly payments.
I say at least five times a day “I need to lose weight.” I still haven’t lost an ounce, clearly the power of suggestion doesn’t work.
There is a famous person next to me at this coffee shop. You can tell he’s waiting for me to say something. Not gonna happen. Not gonna give him the time of day. Just going to sit here and continue making machine gun noises with my mouth
Doctor *as I wake up after an accident* I’m afraid your body’s in a terrible condition
Me: oh no
Doctor: and then you were in an accident
I know dropping your phone/keys in a public toilet is bad but have you ever lost a shoe trying to kick the flusher
Gonna call faux pockets “fauxckets” because it’s close to the expletive I use when I realize they’re fake.
My phone autocorrects ‘sex’ into ‘pez’ in case you were wondering just how dead my pez life is.
I think the blue states should get the taco trucks first, and the red states have to wait, because elections have consequences.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not whining because of the cold. I’m whining because I have to wear a entire load of laundry to stay warm
[job interview]
employer: what skills do you possess that are helpful to the company
me: the skills that will make your other employees look brilliant
I’m only listening outside the bathroom door to make sure you’re not touching the decorative hand towels.
Why isn’t everyone terrified that Mars is the only planet completely populated by robots?
A bridesmaid, but it’s just someone to hold the bottom half of my CVS receipt.
Me: I think this diet is gonna work.
Cheese: No.
got my gf a manicure for our anniversary
2020 is vacuuming a penny, then a quarter, then a cat.
Handing out samples at Costco:
“These are mini hand sanitizer/toilet paper sandwiches, they’re really popular right now”
My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.
I don’t do exercise bc one time I kneed myself in the face doing a burpee
mugger: your money or your life
me: oh you pick
I’m not saying that my kids don’t love me, but if I’m ever held hostage at gunpoint and they have to answer a “yes or no” question in order for me to survive, then I’m definitely going to die because the first word out of my kids mouths is going to be “why.”
[1st day at the zoo]
boss: did you feed the animals?me: *looking at the signs that say don’t feed the animals* no
You can only regret what you remember.
-Tequila