My girlfriend is pissed at me for never putting down the toilet seat. To be honest, I AM getting pretty tired of carrying it around.
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Fun fact: At the end of Titanic, when all the people are dying in the water, you can hear a faint, “Marco” and then an even fainter, “Polo.”
Just know someone out there is thinking of you, and how to make your death look like an accident.
Jimmy Bathwater, 27 of Howdon, pleaded guilty to roundhousing a seagull out the sky. He was fined £300 despite how impressive that sounds
Neighbor: OMG your yard looks amazing
Me: thanks, I pee in it every Saturday night
what’s my dream career? the guy who bakes chickens and hides them in the walls in castlevania. next question
she’s a 10 but Excel thinks she’s October
Dances with Wolves is not about famous wolves competing for a mirror ball trophy. I know that now.
Pelican trying to eat a capybara.. 😅
Curious George Turns Off Google Image Safe Search
Rock-a-bye-baby is my favorite nursery rhyme about the tragic consequences of putting babies in trees.
Customer spelling her name:
Me: Is that V as in Victor or Z as in Zebra?
Her: Z as in Xylophone.And this, kids, is why education is key.
My son’s band, Wasting Groceries, is about to release their newest single “Rejected Banana”.
What’s the name of your kid’s band or hit single?
I went for a run today. What the hell is wrong with you people why would you do this to yourself you need help.
Principal: *pats me on the back at my graduation*
Me, who has never been burped: *burps for two full hours*
They say you should do at least one thing each day that frightens you. Today that will be laundry.
[infomercial]
ME: wanna know how to lose 15 lbs with 1 easy trick?!
AUDIENCE: YES!
*a surgeon amputates my leg right there on stage*
Me: I just ran into your brother.
Friend: How’s he doing?
Me: Not so good. I ran into him pretty hard.
Apparently I need to go on a diet if I want to have room in my pockets for snacks. Why is life so hard?
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘mnemonic’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Memory Needs Every Method Of Nurturing Its Capacity
Twitter taught me that:
1) Tweets don’t always have to make sense
2) People sure do love to answer rhetorical questions
Gentle reminder that you forgot to lock your door and I am in your living room
An unintentionally hysterical ad offering proof why ‘branding’ always needs a second pair of eyes.
Me: *buys anything at the store*
Wife: Was it on sale?
Me: Yes.
Wife: Did you use a coupon?
Me: Yes.
Wife: Did you use your discount card?
Me: Oops.
Wife: You’ve brought shame on us all.
Aw cool firepit!
Me: Thanks! It’s for destroying evidence 🥰
My 4yo just asked me if I was there when we went to Disney 6 weeks ago for 5 days, so I’m obviously making a huge impact in her life.
Ok…who left the bag of idiots open?
Sometimes I get annoyed at how unreasonable my 7 year old is but then I remember that at his age my plan was to make a million dollars off “my invention” which was a bunch of fishtanks arranged in a group and connected by tubes so the fish could move around like gerbils.
*joins Buddhist monastery*
*withstands 21 years of brutal kung-fu training*
So, vending machine that didn’t drop my funyuns. We meet again.
I get really freakin pissed off when complete strangers ask me a lot of questions. So no… the job interview didn’t go very well.
It’s kinda neat how every chick you reply to is into celibacy