[1692 Salem]
“BURN THE WITCH”U HAVE A CROOKED NOSE, WITCH
“No, Frank, at the stake”
[quickly lighting torch]
Right, I knew that.
You Might Also Like
Making fun of someone’s age is like mocking them for getting hit by a train because you’re standing a little further down the tracks.
[girl petting my dog] what’s his name?
[thinking about how women want to feel safe] seat belt
No one told me that part of motherhood is consistently looking like the before on a makeover show.
ps5 is how I abbreviate pspspspsps
Twitter crush? Nah, that’s my X girlfriend.
wife: STOP, you’re turning into your father
me: well, he shouldn’t be standing in the driveway like that
If you say “guess who died?” with a big smile on your face some people get kinda angry.
It’s not a hangover. It’s wine flu.
Roses are red
Novels have pages
Your boss’s profit
Is your unpaid wages
License and registration please.
“Bears.”
Excuse me?
“Beaaaaars.”
Are you drunk sir?
“BEAAAARS!”
Stop saying bea-
*cop is mauled by bears*
You can’t transmit the Olympics live, but NASA can transmit a feed from Mars with only a 14 minute delay? NBC, you have been owned.
ME: how can i prepare for my date
FRIEND: get her some flowers. roses, orchids
ME: definitely roses, we’re not ready for kids yet
The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.
tv: low volume
tv: volume jacked up for 6 seconds
tv: low volume
tv: volume jacked up for 6 seconds
[when I watch tv & eat chips]
Did you know that your iPad has a built in bathroom scale app? Go ahead, try it.
Turns out there’s quite a bit of noise, when entire generations of people learn that the best and only way to send a message is via tantrum.
I don’t normally take my kids grocery shopping with me, but today I thought, “Oh, why not?” Then my 6yo grabbed a whisk from a display of cooking utensils and yelled “It’s time for your daily beating!” at my 9yo and I was like, “OH, RIGHT.”
Son won’t eat sandwich I made him but will lick dog bowl
GOD: They scared enough?
ANGEL: Not yet
GOD: You got Trump running?
ANGEL: Yup
GOD: Hurricane?
ANGEL: Yup
GOD: Ok, send in the clowns.
[first time hunting]
friend: I’m out of shells do you have any
me: *choking on pistachio* a few
If you look in the mirror & say “pumpkin spice latte” 3x a white suburban girl will appear & tell you everything she loves about the fall
Got super excited about a 200 meter butterfly till someone explained it to me.
It’s as though the guy beside me in traffic earlier had never seen a woman take her bra off without removing her shirt before
“Keep pumping until something happens.”
-Home Depot guy teaching me to prime the snow blower says the first thing I’ve understood.
someone described my girlfriend’s skin as “sun-kissed” recently and now the sun’s about to catch these hands
Thought my husband’s new soap was a block of cheese, and now I’m disappointed and he wants to know why it’s slightly chilled
Kid, texting: MOM I’M HUNGRY!
Mom: *sends food emojis*
I asked my 5yo niece if she was behaving and she told me that she was “behaving as good as a banana does” and now I have so many more questions
The other day my son asked me who picks up the seeing eye dog’s poop.
me: we have developed a fear of boy bands
wife: at the same time
therapist: in sync?
together: *screams*