Texting while driving is incredibly stupid and dangerous. You’re practically begging for typos.
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why are we only commenting our code? we should be liking and subscribing too
David Copperfield: Ok I want everyone in the audience to think of a color. Ready? Ok, is your color grey?
Audience full of Dogs: OMG!
i enjoy video games because they let me live out my wildest fantasies, like being assigned a task and then completing that task
There’s something I want to tell you
*goes down on one knee*
*girl puts her hands on her chest*
I can tie my shoelaces without looking.
“You will be visited by three spirits. The first two will be a waste of your time but the third one, holy shit…”
Facebook: Please give us access to all of your personal information
Me: Okaaaay, but only if you tell me which Golden Girl I am.
*speed dating*
I’m a competitive eater!
Date: Are you any good?
[grabbing my suitcase, dumping 45 hotdogs on table] funny you should ask
date: I think we’ve actually met before
picasso: sorry I’m not good with faces
You guys know monogamy is NOT a type of wood, right?!?
people are attacking at me with pitchforks simply because i choose to lay still under piles of hay, straw, and leaves at times.
She asked me to buy Tampons so I bought Kotex, because that one time I wanted ice cream and she bought frozen yogurt.
January is the biggest month every year in my office for divorce filings.
So when someone says “Tis the season to be jolly!” I cynically think “Well. We shall see.”
Of course I do cardio it’s called running from my problems, Gretchen.
Dog 1: *whispering* you got any drugs?
Dog 2: who said that? Are you a spider?
“Yes Wiccan!” -inspirational witches
Every generation gets the Batman it deserves, not the Batman that it wants, and then two additional Batmans.
Friend: Dude, you just ran a stop sign.
Me: No cop, no stop.
Friend: Why’d you just run over that frog?
Me: No cop, no hop!
Friend: Oh my god! YOU JUST HIT A JANITOR!
Me: NO COP, NO MOP!
“Are you carrying any treats, sir?”
“No, I’m not.”
“Cookies? Biscuits?”
“Nope.”
“Please empty your pockets.”
“Listen, I’ve already told you-“
“I’ll also need to check your bag.”
“I don’t think that’s really nec-”
“Sir, I’d advise you not make this any harder than it needs to be.”
Not wasting my time reading anything an author puts in parenthesis. If it’s not good enough for the main text I don’t need it
You know she’s a keeper when after your aircraft crashes in the frigid Andes Mountains you catch one another eyeing the surviving passengers like a menu.
*spins in chair* Ah, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expect- *cat sitting in my lap freaks out and scratches the shit out of me*
Wife: I swear, I’m gonna kill my boss
Me: please don’t; it’ll get better
Wife: aww, thanks for the suppo-
Me: *interupting* no way you’re making me a single dad of 2 while you just chill in prison
As a project I’ve started making my own coffin. Should I be concerned that my wife keeps asking how soon I can have it ready?
just weaponized “with all due respect” at my condo board. and now we wait.
humans: lets invent computers so they can do work for us and we can be free to see our families or write poems or whatever
also humans: actually if you dont have a job society will murder you it turns out
I need you guys to take my phone away from me. It’ll probably take a couple of you to do it. I’m a biter.
landlord is raising our rent 9.5% I think I’ll start burying all of my garbage in the backyard
My wife’s celebrity “free pass” is Paul Rudd, and mine is my wife because yah right like I’m gonna walk into *that* propeller blade.
They don’t even serve apples at Applebee’s.
Or bees.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I do laundry “my way”.