I just ate an entire cake to get the taste of salad out of my mouth.
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translated into Canadian
I can’t grow flowers for shit but my old neglected potatoes in a grocery bag in the basement just grew legs and marched up here
me: can you calm down
The Leg Bounce™: I literally cannot
[teaching son to swim]
Me: get this wrong & you die
I feel bad for tailgating this minivan so closely but once I started watching Kung Fu Panda on his back seat TV I had to see it through.
Chuck Norris once broke a mirror over the head of a black cat while standing under a ladder on Friday 13th.The next day he won the lottery
Used to be able to touch my toes. Now I just have a sip of beverage and wave at them.
Remember in the boardgame Life when you had kids and collected money? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
when your spouse’s phone rings & they go to the other room to answer it
Marriage counsellor: What’s the problem?
Wife: He is so literal. It drives me mad.
MC: And how do you feel, Stephen?
Me: With my hands.
Ironically, I only know of one person with the name Common.
i’ve had too much coffee
~ amateurs
Just saw my husband’s glasses on the side of a milk carton.
Carrot cake is both my favorite carrot and my least favorite cake.
Instead of a vasectomy they should have just called it a spermaban.
wife: I TOLD you not to try a 360 with the grocery cart
me: It was really nice when everyone started clapping after they saw I was ok though
🎶Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
🎶
I can cook up any meal but I can’t peel boiled eggs without them looking like a toddler took bites out of them.
Me: *brings a package inside*
4yo: What’s is in there? Is it toys?
Me: Just some bras.
4yo: Ugh! Someone keeps sending you bras.
*purges outlook inbox
weigh me now
They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about glassblowing
PERSON: Your baby is so cute
ME: Oh thank you
PERSON: They’re gonna be a real heartbreaker!
ME: Oh I hope not but thanks
PERSON:
ME:
PERSON:
ME:
PERSON: They’re going to devastate everyone who ever loves them
ME: Okay we gotta go now
I have three higher degrees and yet I just opened a bottle of fizzy water that’s been in my rucksack all day on the bus, proving once again that academic prowess has absolutely no correlation to intelligence
I bought quick oats and two days later my roommate showed up with instant oats. I will not be humiliated; I must find an even sooner oat.
“You’re tattoos will look bad when you’re older”
So will the rest of me, what’s your point?
me: I need tires
michelin: here you go
me: now if only someone could rate my restaurant
michelin: you’re not gonna believe this
Welcome to your 50’s. It’s 11:40 pm, so this should be your 11th pee of the night.
As our eyes met across a crowded room, he turned to the man next to him and said, “that’s her…” and that’s how the cop delivered the restraining order
For Mother’s Day I want the same thing I ask for every year: to have my kids, who I love more than anything in the world, be someone else’s problem for a few hours.
I’m like a cartoon character, not because I’m cute or funny, but because I wear the same clothes every day.