Put the spoiled milk back in the fridge and hope it gets better.
– What I think when I hear someone is getting back together with an ex.
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Seductively takes 378 bobby pins out of my hair
skydiving instructor: is this your first time?
me: [holding seven balloons] why do you ask
*Grilling salmon
TELL ME WHAT YOU WERE DOING SWIMMING UPSTREAM LAST WEEK
Overall productive day..
*Ordered Batman boxer briefs & matching knee socks
*Called my mom
*Bought an Xbox game, & a goat, on Craigslist
What if your dog speaks French and this whole time has been asking you for some beef?
Before I was married I had no idea I was sneezing wrong.
The best part of being an adult is eating whatever you want. I just ate a small man that pissed me off at the liquor store.
When I worked as a restaurant critic, I wrote under a nom nom nom de plume
You god damn morons. All these celebrity nudes were leaked by the Illuminati to distract us from important shit like karate and hoverboards.
[roommate watching me get ready]
dont take that with you
“why not”
why would you
“it’ll be fine”
[hour into date and I spill my bag of ants]
My favourite movie romance is Keanu Reeves and Sandy Bullock in Speed because they meet by overcoming the greatest relationship hardship of all: when a woman is driving and a man is trying to give her directions
Children really brighten up a home.
They never turn the lights off…
They are adding commercials to Netflix so GenZ will finally understand and appreciate our struggle
T H E K I _ _ _ P P E R
Taking a DNA sample from the kidnapper.
Fred Flintstone drove by this morning
Yes the weather in Iowa is bad, but the options are worse
Me: people never seem to remember meeting me.
Therapist: it’s amazing how the brain deals with trauma.
I’ve already broken all my resolutions and like 4 commandments.
A fun thing about toddlers is that they will pretend to eat tacos but as soon as you make them for dinner they’re ‘gistusting.’
My hateful coworkers discovered that I eat my lunch in the air ducts and now they’ve taken to smacking the air ducts with a broom.
Waitress: Welcome to the Karma Cafe
Me: What do you sell here
Waitress: Just desserts
finally
Making sure to loudly declare my love for microwaved fish on Zoom calls so I’m never invited back into the office
This cat looks like Wilford Brimley
One time I threw my cat at a spider so I could escape, but sure I’d love to hold your baby
When choosing a heart medicine, always pick the one that causes, “significantly less bleeding.”
Less bleeding is good for not being dead.
Threads is like Adibas trainers or a Bolex watch
The word “Caesar” has always bothered me. It looks like a and e are mad at each other.
I told my 3-year-old the beans in her taco were chocolate jelly beans and she took 3 whole bites before she decided to never trust me again.