I can’t commit to plans with friends who wear fitbits.
-“No, I don’t want to take the stairs again, you psycho.”
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Accidentally got in the 10 items or less line with 11 items again, so I made two separate transactions so I wouldn’t piss anyone off.
Mid-flight turbulence is just god’s way of preforming confessions at scale
I’ll put a comma, after a comma, even if it doesn’t need a comma, to completely, drive you, insane.
My car, spinning uncontrollably thru a crowd of ppl, & my Korean friend screams”HIT THE BLAKES” & I’m like”I CANT BE THAT SELECTIVE”
Does grape jelly go bad or do I just have wine jelly now?
If you believe you can pass a drug test by drinking large amounts of water, you’re just diluting yourself.
depression: everything is terrible
me: yeah, let’s buy stuff online
anxiety: you can’t afford that
me: okay guys, one at a time
The pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on corduroys.
It’s not God I dislike, He’s cool. it’s certain members of his fanclub that rub me the wrong way.
every time someone says “i’m aware” i always wait a couple seconds in case they add “wolf”
Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it’s a soap opera.
funny thing about zombie movies — they never seem to go after the cameraman 🤷♀️
Still laughing at this stupid meme
There’s a boring horse who lives next door to me.
He’s my neigh bore.*Ba dum tishhhh!!!!*
Rewatching Bram Stoker’s Dracula and I love Keanu’s gradual realization like bro I think this guy might be Dracula
Bewitched was my favorite show about a woman who had a magical power & couldn’t use it because she got married.
I have a book to read on
overcoming procrastination.I bought it in 2007.
The Jaws theme stays on during sex.
I may be 37, but I feel 25…when I look at my finances:
My wife: How does a summer road trip with the kids sound?
Me: Sounds like we had a good run.
mom: you waste your money on stupid stuff
me: you’re right. btw how’s that panini press working out?
mom:
me: making a lot of paninis with that thing?
If you come home n your dog gives you a lecture about smoking pot, you probably should lay off the acid too.
Her: I bet you forgot it.
Him: I have a photographic memory.
[shakes violently]Her: ?
Him: Sorry, it’s a Polaroid. Is it Becky?
Her: NO
So, Tim Cook came out of the cloud?
Why did they call it bacon fat and not oinkment omg I’m so sorry
The early bird gets the worm but the early worm gets eaten, so… I choose sleep.
If anyone on the street asks for directions – give directions to YOUR house. Then run home, put on music and wait for your new best friend!
*my wife opens my sock drawer & sees that it’s filled with bite sized candy bars. she looks over at me*
did you go trick or treating again last night?
Homeschooling, Day whatever: This school really needs a new janitor.
I made £40,000 in one day using a simple trick. Send me £2,000 and I’ll tell you how I did it