gentlemen, hear me out
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The revolution will be televised, but interrupted by a live breaking story about a new panda at the zoo.
Judging by the bites I woke up with this morning, I got felt up by a spider last night.
5: when you laugh your head off does it grow back?
I just found out that there’s a dating site for people with mullets and the people who love them. Lol! *looks over shoulder* *signs up*
I want to be a large, Southern black woman who fans herself in church when I grow up.
It looks like the world forgot to take its meds again.
so much to do
if someone asks me if I need help finding something in a department store I like to slowly describe a gun
Not to brag but I can forget what I’m doing as I’m doing it
No, I’m not participating in movember, I’m just Italian.
me: my new book is fantastic
friend: can i borrow it when you’re done?
me: you can’t color it in twice
Why’s everyone wearing green today. did the Hulk die or something
I don’t care what color or creed you are. Or what your religion is. Do not eat my work sandwich.
formal request for my funeral to be half open casket, with only my legs showing
Can you imagine if it was normal to say goodbye to everyone in the movie theater? “… have a good one.. enjoyed watching the movie with you..”..
God I hate kids.
And people.
And animals.
And sardines.
And stuff that’s alive.
And stuff that’s dead.
I hate stuff.
I like cheese.
[fraud trial]
Lawyer: is it true these numbers are all fake?
Defendant: no– they all actually exist
Judge: lol owned *high-5s defendant*
I can’t stop thinking about how a tanning bed really turns you into the human version of a gas station hot dog.
My daughter gets all bossy when we’re playing with her Barbies, but I just smile. Then when she’s at school I play with them the way I want.
I’ve never been to hell, but I once forgot to buy batteries for my 6 year old son’s toys on Christmas morning.
Hairstylist: so one of your sisters knows how to knit, crochet, and sew and the other one is an amazing cook/baker. What do you know how to do?
Me: Buy stuff
I just took my two Dachshunds out for a run and I got passed by a dude riding a skateboard being pulled by two Huskies like some sort of ridiculous Southern California Iditarod and to be honest it looked way more fun than what I was doing.
I’m opening a restaurant called “It doesn’t matter, whatever you want” since every girl alive wants guys to take them there.
I may regret eating so many deviled eggs this weekend, but my family will regret it more.
[Starbucks]
What can I get you?I’ll have a large coffee, black
“You don’t have to say black”
I’ll have a large coffee, African American
I moved to LA with nothing but the shirt on my back. No pants & I couldn’t figure out how to get the shirt on my front. Soon I was jailed
Son: [cracks knuckles]
Me: Oh yeah? [stands up and knees and back make bubble wrap noises for 20 seconds]
I put some doughnuts, ice cream, and snickers bars in my blender for dessert tonight, so yeah-I juice.
Imagine if dogs giggled when you tickled them.
WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Follow-up questions!WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
OH HELL YEAH THAT’S THE STUFF